Having a present partner in life is important, especially if it involves children. Unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky – sometimes you create a family with a person, who turns out to be not who you expected them to be.
That's exactly what happened to this woman. She created a family with her partner – they had a toddler and are expecting another one, but now the partner seems uninterested in them. He spends his time either working or hanging out with his mates, which frustrates the woman to no end.
More info: Mumsnet
Although having a present partner shouldn’t be considered a luxury, it is, as not everyone gets to experience it
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The partner of a pregnant mom with a toddler barely spends time at home — he’s either working or out with his mates
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When she asks him to spend time with them, he gets angry, shouts at her and then storms out
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Or when they plan a day to spend together, he ends up spending most of his time on his phone instead
Image credits: MissKeek
So, the woman came online to vent about how frustrating living with such a partner is
The OP is currently 22 weeks pregnant. A full-term pregnancy usually lasts about 40 weeks, so this woman is around in the middle of it. Plus, she also has a 19-month-old child, which makes them a toddler.
This mom and her partner live basically in the middle of nowhere, which makes their commute and other things quite difficult. Plus, they don’t have the so-called village to raise a child. Typically, such a village is made up of the parents’ family members, who help out with childcare. Sadly, the author’s family lives around 2 hours away and they see each other once or twice a year, while her partner’s family works and cannot help out.
You might think that there are plenty of parents who raise kids without the family’s help, so it isn’t a big deal. Well, typically such situations require both parents to be involved, but this isn’t the case here. In fact, that’s the whole reason why the woman came to Mumsnet in the first place.
Apparently, her partner prioritizes himself and neglects the family. He works the majority of his time, and when he doesn’t – he spends it with his mates. While a person needs to spend some time with their friends for their well-being, it shouldn’t be the only thing they prioritize. After all, time with family is crucial too.
What makes the man’s hangouts with his friends even worse is that he always plans at the last minute, which means his partner is alone with a kid and without a chance to plan anything for herself.
The entire time they've had their first child, so 19 months, the woman has barely had any time away from home. Remember what we said about time with friends being important? Well, she doesn’t get to have it.
Actually, she doesn’t have time for herself either. Even so, a parent needs to recharge so they can do their job better. Plus, let’s not forget the fact that this woman is in the middle of a pregnancy!
To talk a little bit more about how couples should deal with communicating such complicated feelings, Bored Panda reached out to licensed psychologist and founder of Couples Learn, Dr. Sarah Schewitz.
Image credits: Dragana_Gordic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She said that when it comes to expressing feelings like a need for support, it always should be noted that these conversations happen between two people. This means that neither party has full control on how it might go.
The couple in today's story is a good example of this. When the woman tries to talk to her partner about him barely spending time with them, he becomes furious, shouts, and then leaves, extending the time she’s left alone with the kid.
Dr. S. Schewitz gave an idea of how such situations can be improved – instead of using "You" statements, use "I" statements. "Rather than saying 'You never ask about my feelings and don’t support me,' try saying, 'I feel unsupported when I try to tell you about something that’s upsetting me and you dismiss my concerns. I would prefer if you could ask questions and dig deeper into how I’m feeling rather than being dismissive or getting defensive.'"
She also noted that avoiding using words like “always” or “never” is also useful, because they can make a partner feel like they're being attacked. The same with accusations like "You are insensitive." Instead, it's better to communicate how a person feels themselves by saying things like "I feel unimportant to you sometimes and that really hurts."
Well, we don't know how the OP phrases her words while talking with her partner, but what we do know is that he doesn't hear her out and ignores how she feels. This becomes even more apparent when they arrange a day for all of them to spend together and the man usually doesn’t participate mentally. By this we mean that while he’s there physically, he spends most of the time on his phone, not initiating any activities or conversations, or helping with the toddler.
Then, if the woman calls him out on it, he gets defensive saying he’s sorry for not living up to her idea of perfection. That’s why the woman came to the Mumsnet blog – to ask whether expecting a partner to be present is unreasonable. After all, our interviewee pointed out: "When one partner feels unfairly burdened with responsibilities, resentment quickly takes hold. This can lead to a decrease in emotional connection."
Blog users assured the woman that it wasn’t unreasonable. They felt sorry for her being trapped with such a bad partner. Some even suggested that the woman should consider ending the relationship, as it is clearly not working out. Without doing so, she won’t be able to find a partner who cherishes her and the kids, as this one seemingly isn’t planning to change.
Well, while it’s always sad to see a relationship end, in this case, it seems that moving on could be a healthy solution. We can only hope that the woman will use the netizens’ advice or that her current partner will somehow come to his senses.
Quite a few netizens suggested to the woman that she should consider leaving this neglectful partner and parent and maybe find someone better
