It’s no big news that abuse can occur in all kinds of relationships, even within families; however, some tend to believe that just because someone is blood, they are incapable of being morally flawed – and the pal of today’s original poster is also not an exception!
The thing is, the woman cut ties with her emotionally abusive mother a year ago and was recently encouraged by her friend to reconcile – but to make her point, she decided to draw a comparison with her buddy’s ex-husband, which resulted in some ugly fight.
More info: Reddit | Jessica Tett's Instagram
Woman cuts ties with her emotionally and mentally abusive mother
Image credits: Linzi (not the actual photo)
Gets told she should step up and make amends because “it’s hard being a parent”
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
Image source: OwnthrowawayFish3496
“AITA for using my friend’s ‘logic’ against her and making her cry?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most honorable communities, asking its members if she’s indeed a jerk for making her mate cry after comparing her abusive mother to her ex-husband. The post managed to garner over 24K upvotes as well as 2.5K comments discussing the situation.
Nobody is perfect – it’s inarguable.
We make mistakes and do things we regret; it applies to your dearest friends, your elderly neighbors, that smiley cashier at your local Walmart, and even the late Queen of England.
However, what many folks tend to turn a blind eye to are their parents. I mean, it’s understandable, to a certain degree, as how could a person that willingly brought you into this world do you harm? It’s absurd!
Well, it turns out that they can.
Expecting kids to agree with everything they say and not seeing them as individuals, not believing in the child’s privacy, physical/verbal/emotional abuse, constant blaming, manipulation – the list can go on and on.
Yes, some are lucky to have loving and caring parents that wouldn’t dare to inflict any sort of pain on their offspring, which is why they might find it hard to understand others’ struggles – take the friend of the original poster, for instance.
Nevertheless, nobody expects people to fathom what they’re going through and why they decided to do this or that, as everyone goes through different things in life – but having the audacity to lecture someone on their own relationship with their mother just because it might seem bizarre and illogical in your eyes is a jerky thing to do, especially if it’s still a touchy subject.
Perhaps the author’s response was a little harsh, but let’s face it, we all need that punch of reality at some point or another. Plus, who knows, maybe the woman didn’t storm out because the post’s creator took it “too far” but because she was made to understand exactly how her friend felt.
To make a point on how abuse isn’t OK from anyone, she compares her mother to her friend’s ex
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Now, to get a more professional outlook on the matter, Bored Panda decided to reach out to Jessica Tett! First things first, we invited our expert to introduce herself to our readers: “I’m a person-centred counsellor. That means I work together with a client to explore and describe what their life is like for them. Going through this process can mean that clients identify patterns, work out connections, and get to know their feelings and emotions. They often start to want to prioritise themselves more, and become better able to organise their lives the way that suits them best.”
Then, to understand the science behind emotionally abusive parents and perhaps assist those who might be struggling, we pondered how to cope with such an issue: “You might feel torn in two – one part of you wanting to cut off contact with them, and another part of you wanting to stay close, maybe even get closer. Maybe you have tried for years to ‘keep the peace’ and to build a relationship with them, and also had periods when you’ve had to stay away because of their behaviour and [the] impact of past hurts. Some people around you may be telling you to cut off all ties, while others are telling you that blood is thicker than water.”
“And then, into that mix of difficult feelings, add the impact on you of the emotional abuse itself. The impact isn’t always clear to us, as adults. Sometimes we can’t quite remember how we felt as a child, when we were the victim of the abuse, but we can feel that child’s confusion: how come the people who are meant to love me most, seem to be the people who are hurting me most? For some of us, this feeling of confusion – and perhaps feelings of shame and sadness as well – hangs around for a long time. These feelings might make it harder to manage relationships, trust people and feel good about ourselves.”
“If you are in this situation, with emotionally abusive parents, and it feels right for you, spending some time and money on exploring the impact of the abuse can be very helpful. Doing this can mean that you become aware of patterns in your own behaviour and feelings. Getting to know yourself in this way means that you have better information to make your decisions with. When you know yourself better, you’ll know better what you want to happen next in your relationship with your parents, so that you get the outcome that is going to suit you best.”
However, it all goes south and she storms out crying
Image credits: Mental Health America (MHA) (not the actual photo)
BP also asked why some hold the mistaken belief that just because someone is family, they can’t be bad, and Jessica replied: “If we have a deep belief that all parents love their children and treat them well, anything that rocks that belief can feel incredibly difficult. It might feel literally impossible that parents could hurt their own child. We believe parents are good, partly from our own intuition and partly because of the stories we see around us about families. We see mums who’d do anything for their kids, hero dads, loving siblings, families sticking together – we certainly don’t often see emotionally abusive family members. Culturally, we’re told that because blood is thicker than water, this means that we must protect family members above others, we ought to be loyal and faithful to our families, and tolerate anything from them.”
“The OP’s response to her friend sounded like it came from a place of real hurt: both hurt that her friend wasn’t able to understand her, as well as all the hurts the OP had felt at the hands of her family. Often when we are hurt, what we really want is for someone to listen and do their best to understand what’s going on for us. When we aren’t heard and are misunderstood, we can feel hurt all over again, and in an attempt to protect ourselves, we can respond with anger” – our expert said when we wondered if she believed that the OP’s response to her friend was a tad excessive.
Last but certainly not least, the woman added: “Always do your best to be as kind to yourself as you can. If you can, choose soft words and a gentle attitude to yourself internally. And go outside in nature as often as possible.”
What is your take on this story, though? Do you think the author was right, or would you have done something differently?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions
