“I’m His Wife. Who Are You?”: 37 Super Awkward Moments When Servers Came To The Table

Secondhand embarrassment is something that the vast majority of us have experienced. Also known as vicarious embarrassment, it’s what you feel when someone else has an experience that is particularly embarrassing, causing you to feel embarrassment, discomfort, shame or guilt as well, the Cleveland Clinic explains.

“Even though you weren’t part of making that person trip and you weren’t the one who fell, you can still feel the emotion that they’re probably feeling,” clinical health psychologist Marielle Collins, PhD, states.

“A lot of times, these feelings can come with anxiety and a fear of negative social evaluation. Anxiety can be distressing and may get in the way of whatever you’re doing in the moment.”

In a nutshell, secondhand embarrassment happens because human beings are consciously self-aware of how they’re perceived by others. Your mind is wired in a way that simulates the emotional experience and feelings of other people.

In other words, you’re born hardwired for empathy and sociability. Broadly speaking, being more empathetic means that you’re more likely to experience more secondhand embarrassment, too.

If you want to be kind to your server, it’s not enough to tip well and avoid causing drama (though these things certainly help!).

The Wall Street Journal suggests thinking of yourself not as a patron, but as your server’s partner.

“People come in thinking they’re paying for an experience, so they don’t have to worry about being a good diner. I think that mindset is what gets them off on the wrong foot. It helps if you come in with more openness and curiosity about what’s going on in the restaurant,” management consultant Max Fulton told the WSJ.

Even saying something as simple as “we’re excited to be here” can build solidarity with your waiter and disarm any cynicism.

Meanwhile, Arjav Ezekiel, the co-owner of Bridie’s in Austin, Texas, pointed out to the WSJ that being present might be more important than simply being nice.

“Put down your phone and engage with the staff. The most important thing for a guest is to feel seen, and I think that’s true for the service team too.”

Furthermore, it’s important for guests to follow the rules the restaurant has set out. Making exceptions for one group of customers can mean compromising on the quality of the experience for other guests. “I think of the restaurant as the dinner party and the diner as the invitee,” Ezekiel added, stressing that it’s vital to respect the rules of the house.

What are the most embarrassing things that you’ve ever witnessed at a restaurant or cafe, whether as a server or a guest? As a server, how would you like to be treated by your customers? On the flip side, what do you appreciate the most when being waited on while dining out?

How do you handle public situations that practically radiate secondhand embarrassment? Scroll down to share your insights in the comments at the bottom of this post.