Sibling relationships are complicated. Growing up, you probably waged war against your brother in the backyard when he wouldn’t let you onto the trampoline. And you may have given your sister’s Barbie dolls some horrific haircuts after she stole the TV remote from you. But at the end of the day, you felt nothing but love for your siblings, even if you chose to express it in eccentric ways.
Sadly though, some siblings never manage to become friends, even as adults. One woman recently reached out to Reddit for advice after her sister’s engagement dinner turned into an attack on her character. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as a conversation with Vicki Botnick, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
An engagement dinner is supposed to be a celebration that brings two families together
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
But this bride decided to tear hers apart after bringing up a decade-old grudge that she had been holding against her sister
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Hayselynn
"It’s rare to find sisters who consider each other best friends; most find that their bond is both complicated and intense"
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
To gain some insight into this situation, we got in touch with Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Vicki Botnick, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda.
"Cutting off family members—so common these days that you sometimes hear it referred to as 'an epidemic of estrangement'—is a complicated subject with no simple or generalized answers," the expert shared. "One clear truth is that, if you are being ab*sed by a family member who is causing you repeated physical or emotional harm, you have the right to protect yourself. In most cases, however, neither the problem nor the solution are obvious."
Vicki says that, in this story, many questions arise: "What other situations have happened in the past 10 years to add to each sister’s feelings of betrayal and resentment? Has either tried to talk it through calmly? Have the parents perhaps added to the sense of comparison and rivalry by taking sides, as the poster indicates? Are there any underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed?"
"The best outcome would be for both parties to listen to each other with compassion," she continued. "This would mean the poster hearing her sister’s betrayal and resentment, even if it seems unfair to her. To tell a loved one 'I’m sorry you’re in pain,' does not equal humiliating yourself or taking responsibility when you shouldn’t have to. It’s just recognizing and caring about their experience."
"And the sister would, of course, need to acknowledge how much she hurt the poster by attacking her publicly and by holding onto a grudge from a time when the poster was a child," Vicki shared. "Both would need help to hear the other without defensiveness. It might take time, and effort, and repeated attempts to heal."
We were also curious about how common it is for adults to have tumultuous relationships with their siblings. "Many adult sisters struggle with their relationship," the therapist noted. "It’s rare to find sisters who consider each other best friends; most find that their bond is both complicated and intense."
"We don’t get to choose our family members, and often they have personality characteristics that we wouldn’t pick in a friend," Vicki explained. "When siblings are very different from us, but we are forced to live and interact in close, sometimes stressful environments, naturally anger and frustration can grow."
In this particular situation, the expert says there are many possible reasons for the challenges in the relationship, including the fact that there are often unresolved issues still simmering since childhood. "Sisters, especially if they are close in age, need to differentiate from the other. This can bring up feelings of competition, whether that’s for their parents’ affection, friends, romantic relationships, accomplishments, or academic success," she told Bored Panda. "Often teachers and coaches inadvertently compare one child to another unfavorably, so each grows up with a sense that it’s a contest to be seen as most special."
Parents can add to the tension as well. "Sometimes they outright compare or favor one child over the other. Even when they don’t, children are wired to seek parental validation, and to yearn to be preferred," Vicki noted. "It’s difficult for any parent to know how best to manage normal childhood sibling rivalries, so often the fights go unresolved. Many kids hold onto their resentments and don’t learn the skills to navigate them."
"It would avoid more pain on both sides to find a way to work on the relationship"
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
She also pointed out that, in this story, the older sister has been sitting with anger for a decade. "Although the previous conflict had been discussed once, it had never been settled. Without some sort of intervention—help from the parents to discuss it, or more open conversations between the sisters, or family therapy—the older sister’s deep resentment had no chance to heal," the expert says.
Apparently, this often happens with long-standing bitterness. "People tend to avoid confrontation, hoping either that their frustration will fade away with time, or that the other person will approach them to take accountability. Instead, failing to face the problem ends up causing more conflict," Vicki shared. "The injured party has years to stew on their grievance, and it grows in their mind. Like in this story, one person often explodes with all the anger they’ve been holding in for years, and the resulting rift is even bigger than it would have been to address it straight on."
So how do we know when it's worth it to try and repair a sibling relationship?
"There’s a growing trend in which an adult cuts off their family members (often it’s a child breaking contact with their parents)," the therapist noted. "As cultural norms for how we should deal with family members change (from a sense of obligation to one of choice, and from an assumption of closeness to the notion that family ties are not of principal importance to our happiness), more millennials are hearing that they are allowed to, or even encouraged to, cut off contact with family members with whom they’ve struggled."
Vicki says that, in many cases, estrangement happens before substantiative repair attempts have been made. "In my practice, I urge clients to try all avenues of communication before resorting to cutoff. Separating from family is painful for everyone involved. The one who leaves often struggles with guilt, with the anger and cutoff of other family members, and with feelings of alienation and loneliness. The family member who has been rejected usually suffers through confusion, grief and helplessness."
"Staying and fighting to be understood is also difficult," the expert added. "Sometimes insisting on open communication about past disagreements works, and the relatives can get to a better understanding fairly quickly. Other times, a family member doesn’t have the skills to listen and respond without creating more conflict. While it’s often better for everyone involved when people continue to try to work things through, taking a temporary break can be helpful, as can getting help from a therapist who specializes in family counseling."
"In the case of these sisters, while it’s understandable for the writer to leave the dinner and be furious with her sister’s behavior, it would avoid more pain on both sides to find a way to work on the relationship," Vicki shared. "Estrangement can feel in the moment like the only way to protect oneself, and the best path to feeling better. But it often brings up more and longer lasting pain, than the challenging work of continuing to talk through the problem."
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, if you’d like to check out another Bored Panda article discussing similar family drama, we recommend reading this one next.
Readers called out the older sister for her inappropriate behavior, and the author joined in on the conversation to share more details
Many readers assured the author that she had done nothing wrong and urged her to skip the wedding
