A month ago I made the life changing decision to stop arguing with men. I thought that it would only be a temporary measure while I worked on reducing my stress levels and backing myself slowly away from the edge of major depression. What resulted was a complete lifestyle change.
The plan was simple, at the first inkling of a situation beginning to turn south, I was going to leave the conversation. In practice it was a lot less idyllic. I found myself walking out of not one but two restaurants, asking someone to leave my apartment and several phone calls that ended with an abrupt "Bye". The first few weeks into this decision my mind was still very much in survival mode because I was still at a def-con five level of stress and so I executed with very little finesse. More recently I was able to cut one text message rant short with a reply of "Ok". I am happy to report that I have since adopted more graceful tactics like using safe words and issuing invitations to take the matter up again at another time.
The real beauty of this technique is what happen after I leave the conversation. I do the exact opposite of what most women will do. I forget about it. I don't dwell on the issue. I don't continue to get myself worked up. I just leave it alone until I am completely calm again. This ensures that I am not thinking and ultimately deciding from the perspective of a frustrated person. I also mentally weigh whether this is a conversation that is worth revisiting in the future with the added benefit of more information or should it be left to fall by the way side where it can have a peaceful and natural death. I am in essence attempting to pick my battles by leaving the battlefield to take a lunch break after the battle has already started and then making up my mind about whether I am going to return at all.
My sudden aloofness might have cost me one very old and very dear friend. I didn't think that was going to happen but in retrospect what I lost was another source of unnecessary drama. I expect that my friend will be back with a warmer feelings towards my newfound coolness. It might take a stretch of the imagination to see that what looks like apathy on the surface is kindness in disguise. I evaded stress by not allowing situations to escalate into flaring tempers. I feel very proud of myself every time I realise that I diffused a tense moment. The response has been mainly positive. After a year of being separated, my life partner has finally opened up to me and felt safe enough to share his true feelings about our future together. At least we are now better equipped to successfully co-parent. He can trust me to be calm and I can trust him to make the effort to work through any situations that arise with me. No more stonewalling and hope is alive for no more blinding rage.
My choice is not for everyone but I have shared my findings with my girlfriends and now I am sharing them with you. I am not a rageaholic. I try to be rational in all situations and still I found myself at a point where it all too became too much for me. That's life. Inevitably, at some critical juncture, it pushes us to our limits, all of us. In those moments it is not always obvious that even then we still have the option to take a step back, make a different choice and refrain from participating in a toxic dynamic. I made a life changing decision to only have real and honest discussions with men when I was in a good place to have that conversation because what are love and friendship without peace?
Enlightened.
