“AITA For Telling My Husband His ‘Fragile Masculinity’ Is Costing Us Money?”

The clothes we wear, the hairstyle we choose, even the car we drive are all parts of how we want to present ourselves to the world. But none of them can be chosen based solely on what we wish for, due to such things as financial constraints or practicality, just to name a couple.

This redditor’s husband didn’t seem to care much for either when making decisions regarding the family car. Refusing to invest in a minivan in fear of being mistaken for a "soccer mom", he didn’t seem to fear conflicts with his wife equally as much.

Bored Panda has reached out to the redditor and she was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find her thoughts in the text below.

In a recent interview with Bored Panda, the OP revealed that the thing that annoyed her the most was not feeling safe with the car, and feeling like her husband was downplaying her fears. “I did have a few nightmares about it in the past and when he'd comfort me he'd always say something along the lines of ‘Stuff like that doesn't happen’ and ‘You'd know what to do in that situation’. This would bother me because he knew the car was horribly unreliable but he glossed over it.”

The redditor said that her husband didn’t like minivans because according to him, they were too “feminine and mommy”; however, she admitted being too harsh with her partner over his views on said cars. “In retrospect, I feel like I was a bit too harsh; I don't think he's truly insecure, I was so annoyed at that moment that I spoke without thinking it through.”

It’s not uncommon for people’s insecurities to be related to masculinity or femininity, though, both of which tend to be strongly shaped by certain views in society (even though things seem to be slowly shifting).

Take masculinity, for instance; there seems to be a way a “real man” should look or act (strong, sometimes even aggressive, rarely showing emotion or, perish the thought, crying) but putting men into a rigid frame can lead not only to situations like the one the OP found herself in—fighting with her husband over driving a minivan—but serious mental health-related consequences, too.

In a piece in the Washington Post titled ‘The many faces of masculinity”, an associate professor of psychiatry at UConn Health, Dr. Wizdom Powell was cited saying that the common narrative around men and boys teaches them “that boys don’t cry or that they should be able to walk it off, take it like a man”, which can be seriously detrimental.

“You could imagine how the habitual practice of not telling anyone about your pain or worries could have significant implications,” Dr. Powell told the Washington Post. “There are downstream consequences of not really having a healthy outlet to dispense negative emotions.”

An Australian study on toxic masculinity found that young men who conform to traditional definitions of manhood are more likely to not only suffer harm themselves, but do harm to others, too. According to said study, nearly seven-in-ten (69%) men say that society expects them to act strong or fight back when pushed (60%).

A survey on people’s views on masculinity and femininity found that close to 40%—38%, to be exact—of American men consider themselves the “manliest men” there are and only 5-6% say they are at least somewhat or completely feminine. As for women, 40% of them believe that they represent the most feminine version possible, and only 2% consider themselves completely or very masculine.

Though, as suggested above, the traditional views towards femininity and masculinity seem to be changing, as data suggests that it’s the older Americans who are more likely to see themselves as completely masculine or feminine.

The survey also found that despite a slight shift in society, most men find it important that others perceive them as masculine; and that’s not necessarily good. As pointed out by the Institute For Family Studies, higher levels of masculinity are linked with men reporting more aggression, loving a good fight, and even taking advantage of others.

In addition to that, it is also linked with general assertiveness like taking charge, which is what the OP had to deal with when trying to decide what car was best for the family. However, things seem to have taken a turn since then.

“He has apologized and reiterated his commitment to ensuring the kids and I have a safe and reliable way of getting around,” the redditor told Bored Panda. “We were car shopping yesterday and have been comparing the Honda Odyssey and Kia Carnival. As things stand now, we are leaning slightly in the direction of the Kia.”