Nobody wants to find out that their partner has been having an affair. Cheating involves so much secrecy and planning that it can lead to immense heartbreak when the cheater has been found out. What’s even worse than finding out your spouse had an affair is setting out to do something nice for them and then chancing upon their secret.
This crazy and unfortunate situation happened to one Redditor. He just wanted to deep-clean the house while his wife was on a trip. Instead, he opened Pandora’s box and learned about her affair.
Husband finds a secret locked box hidden in wife’s closet, opens it, and finds love letters, photographs, and a burner phone, all from her 6-month-long affair
Image credits: Travis Grossen (not the actual photo)
The man explained that his wife of 10 years occasionally went on a girls' trip and that he trusted her completely until he found a secret box in her closet while deep-cleaning
Image credits: Matt Gibson (not the actual photo)
The box had love notes from someone named ‘A,’ photos of his wife and the guy, and a burner phone with texts from the same man
Image credits: Jonas Leupe (not the actual photo)
The poster felt betrayed when he realized his wife had been having an affair for 6 months and had been meeting the guy during her ‘girls’ trip’ or when he was at work
Image credits: u/exclusivemariita
At first, he tried holding onto the secret but eventually confronted her, she broke down and told him it “just happened,” later she went to stay at a friend’s house
The angry and heartbroken poster reached out to Redditors for advice on how to handle such a difficult situation. People were quick to tell him to move on, but he mentioned that he and his wife had 2 kids together, which is why he wasn’t sure what to do. It was also difficult because they had been together for 10 years, and he never had a reason to doubt his wife before the incident.
It’s a terrifying experience to learn you’ve been cheated on. Surveys have unfortunately found that 20% of married men and 13% of married women have committed infidelity and that more women have started having affairs. To help get a handle on this and learn how people deal with their partner’s affairs, Bored Panda reached out to Megan Lara Negendank, LMFT. She’s the founder of the Love Heal Grow Relationship Therapy Center in Northern California and the author of a book on loving someone with intimacy-related trauma.
We asked her if there was a right way for the poster to have confronted or approached his spouse who had an affair. She explained, “I would recommend finding a time when the kids are out of the house and when the two aren't distracted by other things. Don't play games and try to trick your partner into revealing it before you tell them you know. Let them know directly you found the box, that it appears they are having an affair, and that you want to know what is going on. Be prepared that your partner might shut down, become defensive, try to continue to cover things up, or become very emotional themselves.”
Affairs are painful, and it can be traumatic for the person who got cheated on. The other partner might worry about never being forgiven. Either way, it’s hard to think straight, and both people may be in a state of turmoil. To further understand this complex issue, we also contacted Tracy Schorn, an award-winning blogger and cartoonist known as ‘Chump Lady.’ She’s the author of ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life–The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.’ Her work has helped hundreds of thousands of people leave abusive relationships.
Tracy said that “when you discover evidence of a partner’s double life, you now have a modicum of power that you did not have before: They don’t know that you know. It’s very hard to think of your relationship this way. That this person is not your friend, or a person who has your best interests at heart. But when you confront a cheater, they’re going to do everything to maintain that power. They’ll gaslight (letters? what letters?), lie (I’ve always had a burner phone/it belongs to a friend), blameshift (I wouldn’t need to cheat on you if you weren’t so… fill in the blank…).”
“Gather your own support. Check your financials. Talk to a lawyer. You need to know your options when you have property and children with someone. For example, in some remaining fault states, if you sleep with your spouse after you know of the cheating it’s considered ‘forgiven’ and you cannot use that information as cause. My point is, lawyers will know how to protect you, particularly with a post-nuptial settlement if you decide to reconcile. So when you do finally confront, you’ll be armed with knowledge and know what your options are,” Tracy explained.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that he felt extremely conflicted after his wife left to stay at her friend’s house. Although he felt like forgiving her, another part of him could never trust her again. These chaotic feelings are completely normal, and Megan mentioned that “if you just found out you have been or are being cheated on, it's important to know that you are likely experiencing a traumatic event. You might feel out of control, confused, numb, furious–all the feelings–and that makes sense!”
“If possible, I would recommend prioritizing individual therapy for yourself with a therapist who has worked with infidelity. Even if you are going to start couples therapy too, individual therapy is going to help you have a safe place for yourself to process your emotions, heal, and get clear on what is best for you during this time,” Megan added. Tracy shared other strategies such as to “get as much distance as you can between yourself and the cheater. The fastest way to heal is to go no contact. But that might come later, if you’ve got children or are economically vulnerable to this person. Don’t stay isolated. Find a support community. Tell a friend or family. This is not your shame to wear.”
Therapists say that affairs aren’t impossible to work through and that around 70% of people are able to recover from it. We asked Megan if couples could move on from infidelity and she said that they could, but “both partners have to truly want to save the relationship and be willing to do the very very hard work of rebuilding trust. The person who cheated must be willing to commit to ending the affair (if it is ongoing) and offering complete transparency to their partner in the first phase of healing to start rebuilding that trust.”
Tracy gave us a completely different perspective, stating, “I’m highly skeptical of reconciliation and advise against it. To conduct a double life means you have to suppress empathy for your partner and you have a high degree of entitlement and are prone to escapism. Exactly the wrong skillset needed for reconciliation. Yes, marriages endure after infidelity, but it doesn’t make them good relationships. I find the whole sales pitch of ‘infidelity made our marriage stronger’ incredibly offensive. It’s like saying shooting off your kneecaps improved your tennis game.”
It’s definitely not easy for the person who got cheated on to navigate their partner’s affair. We may never know whether the poster decided to give up on the relationship or forgive his partner, but it takes a lot of strength to follow through with either option. What do you think the man should do? Share your advice in the comments.
People were sympathetic towards the author and advised him to go in for a divorce as soon as possible
