A new entry to the famous "Am I The A***ole?" subreddit has gone viral and reignited the age-old discussion about what is and isn't normal when it comes to in-law relationships.
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A 32-year-old woman who goes online by the nickname RestaurantCrasher wanted to know if she acted like a jerk when she, in response to her husband not inviting her to his family dinner, booked a table at the same place and presented herself to the whole bunch when passing by on her way to the toilet.
Continue scrolling to check out RestaurantCrasher's account of the whole ordeal and let us know what you think of her actions in the comments.
One woman got so sick and tired of her husband going out with his family and leaving her behind that she decided to crash their dinner
Image credits: Davey Gravy (not the actual photo)
However, her partner and in-laws all got mad at her and now she's wondering if it was a mistake
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: restaurantcrasher
The details aside, it's a good thing that RestaurantCrasher addressed the issue. Whatever relationship you have with your in-laws, it can have lasting effects on your own romantic life. According to research, it can even predict your odds of staying together in the long run.
Conducting one study, Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again, followed 373 couples who were newlyweds in 1986. She asked the men and women to rate how close they felt to their in-laws, on a scale of 1-to-4, and then tracked their relationships over time.
After 26 years, Orbuch discovered that when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife's parents, the couple's risk of divorce decreased by 20%. However, women who said they had a close relationship with their husbands' parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%.
It might sound surprising at first but when you think about it, the numbers kinda make sense. A lot of men look forward to the idea of gaining a new family when they get married. For them, it's a chance to have a 'mom' and 'dad' without many of the entanglements that they have with their own parents. They can watch a ballgame or enjoy a home-cooked meal without feeling judged or hassled. Also, guys are less likely to worry that their in-laws are interfering with their relationship—men tend to identify themselves as a provider first and a father and husband second, so they don't find their in-laws' input particularly threatening.
"Close in-law ties between a husband and his wife's parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her," Orbuch told CNN. "When a husband gets close to his wife's parents, this says to her: 'Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.' And of course, that makes us as women feel really good."
Being a daughter-in-law can be way trickier. On one hand, a woman may be more likely to form a bond with a man's parents when she wants to change something about him or get him to agree with her about an aspect of child-rearing. (Essentially, she's trying to get his parents on her 'side.') This closeness can result in a unified front against the husband and, as you might imagine, can infuriate him.
Going even further, a tight relationship with the in-laws can backfire for many women as well. Closeness may give a mother-in-law a greater sense of access and ability to cross boundaries and meddle.
Orbuch highlighted that in her long-term study, she found in-law ties to be very stressful for women in general.
"If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set ... clear boundaries."
So who knows, if RestaurantCrasher and her husband work this out, the conflict might even bring tighten their connection.
People think the woman did nothing wrong
As the story went viral, many asked for more context
Here are some tips for getting along with your in-laws and strengthening your relationship with your spouse at the same time:
- Get to know them. Don't limit time with your in-laws to the holidays, when everyone may be feeling more stressed than usual. Get together with them on different occasions and get acquainted with them as people. This is especially important if you're a man because caring for your wife's parents shows her that you also care for her.
- Know your limits. If you're a woman, let your in-laws know that you want a loving relationship with them, but set at least some boundaries; just because they're your husband's parents doesn't mean they need to know everything.
- Maintain a careful distance. This is especially true if you have kids of your own. Don't let in-laws use their desire to visit with your children as a way to invade your life, and don't allow them to critique your parenting. Just because you have given someone grandchildren doesn't mean they should have an open door at all times.
- Keep things cordial. Don't insult your in-laws, even behind their backs. If you have an issue with them, talk reasonably to your partner first and try to figure out how to resolve it together.
- Put your relationship first. Defend your relationship against outside threats, even if that means your in-laws. How many times have you heard someone sasy, "He lets his mother walk all over me!" or "She never stands up to her father, or stands up for me!" If this kind of behavior persists, it can poison a marriage. Instead, make it clear that you expect your spouse to defend you without lashing out or being passive-aggressive.
But additional information made the woman's in-laws look even worse
