When you have been in a relationship for a long time with the same person, it may seem that you already know everything about them, whether it is what they like, what they don’t like, their childhood memories, hobbies, their interests or whatever else they open up about. So imagine finding out after more than a decade of marriage about your spouse’s secret kid.
That exact situation is where one Reddit user found himself - he learned about his wife’s daughter who she had simply abandoned, despite having contact. In addition to all of this, his wife is now asking to introduce her daughter to their kids as a family friend.
More info: Reddit
Everyone always says that family comes first, but unfortunately, sometimes that may be not the case
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Man shares that a few years ago, he and his wife received a letter from a woman who claimed to be his wife’s daughter and wanted to meet with her
Image credits: Tatiana Syrikova (not the actual photo)
His wife had explained to him that when she was young, she had given a child up for adoption, but it turned out that it never happened and his wife simply abandoned her
image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
He added that although this whole situation has been emotional, they all have been in contact and building a relationship but keeping it away from their kids
Image credits: u/renstimpy86
The argument ensued after the woman and her daughter decided that she will be introduced as a family friend to their kids - however, the man put his foot down, refusing to do so
Recently, one Reddit user posted his story online, seeking to hear community members’ perspective on whether he was in fact being a jerk. After finding out about his wife’s secret daughter and building a relationship, he refuses to allow his wife to introduce her daughter to their kids as a family friend. The post caught a lot of attention, collecting over 14K upvotes.
The original poster (OP) started his story by explaining that a few years ago, he and his wife got a letter from a woman who claimed to be his wife’s daughter. After this, his wife told him that she had given her up for adoption when she was young; however, the truth turned out to be that she had simply abandoned her kid.
As the OP shared, the worst thing about the whole situation is that his wife’s daughter, when she was 12, wrote her a letter begging for help, and in response, she just blamed her for her problems. This obviously shocked the OP - not only that his wife has been lying the whole time about the adoption but that she chose to abandon her daughter a second time.
Now, he emphasized that the 3 of them have been building a relationship for the last few years - thus it has come to the time to introduce her to their kids. However, the thing is that the wife and daughter agreed to tell everyone that she’s a family friend, an idea OP was very much against. “I'm sick of the lying,” he noted.
The community members stood with the author of this story and gave him the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge. “OP should tell his kids regardless of whether they meet their half sister. They are going to find out,” one user suggested. “Poor woman… that’s heartbreaking!!! Can you guys imagine? A mother telling the daughter not to talk to her again because she ruined her life, and then later still not even introducing her as her daughter?” another added.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
“There are many factors to be taken into account when considering whether to disclose the truth about a biological relationship, including the ages of the children, the question of whether they already know about the existence of other family members, and their relationship with the parents who are going to share the new information,” shared F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W., a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, with Bored Panda.
We asked Diane to share the potential consequences of lying to children about their family history, particularly if they later discover the truth on their own. She pointed out that there are almost always consequences to lying to your children, none of which are good. “And you can count on it that there is a good likelihood of them finding out about it at some point.”
The expert emphasized that the consequences are often feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, and betrayal. “But even if your child never learns the truth, there is something about keeping a secret from them that will impact your relationship with them and theirs with you. Although you have never discussed it with them, there is research that shows that family secrets even affect their relationships with others,” she added.
“On the other hand, simply blurting out a truth is not usually good either,” Diane explained. “When you decide to tell the truth, it’s important that you keep in mind the child’s age and ability to process the information. “They may feel angry, sad, hurt; or excited, eager to meet the person; or worried that if you abandoned one child you could abandon them (this is true even for adult children learning about a half-sibling for the first time).”
So in situations like this, Diane pointed out that the OP is probably also struggling with his own feelings about having been lied to by his wife. “He might want her to stop lying to the children, but he also might want to punish her for lying to him. It won’t be good to just suddenly present this information to their children.” So professional counseling can be crucial during these times.
Finally, Diane pointed out that lying to your children is giving them the message that they can’t trust you and that they can’t trust other people they should be able to trust. “Additionally, it’s also giving them permission to lie to you and to others, no matter what you actually say to them about lying.”
So, guys - don’t forget to check out F. Diane Barth’s Psychology Today blog “Off the Couch”, where you can find her thoughts about the therapeutic process, and Substack: Aging Without a Map, where she shares her own journey through this sometimes difficult and sometimes surprisingly joyful world!
And what do you think about this situation? Was the OP wrong for refusing to lie to the children? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Redditors had a discussion with the author of this story regarding the whole situation
