Dividing up chores at home can often be a sore topic for couples and families alike. Arguments are bound to crop up when someone feels like they’re doing the lion’s share of the work while their partner gets to live a life of leisure. Something else that tends to complicate such matters is the amount of time people spend working and how much they earn: these questions inevitably get dragged into any arguments about equitable chore divisions.
Redditor CommercialMachine98 shared an intriguing story with the AITA community on Reddit. She detailed how she and her husband had a massive argument over chores after he complained that she was supposedly not doing enough housework. The redditor works 7 days a week and does most of the chores while her husband has weekends off and has plenty of time for leisure.
Naturally, the redditor was less than impressed with the criticism and they got into an argument over who should be doing more at home (she earns around 5 times as much as he does). The wife ‘increased’ her husband John’s chores and even ended up locking his PS5 in their safe. Check out the full story below.
Certified relationship and self-love coach Alex Scot enlightened me about dividing up chores at home, as well as how to make up after a heated argument. "Divvying up house chores is a necessity. If one partner consistently does the majority of the work, typically it leads to that partner feeling like a nanny," she told Bored Panda in an email interview. Scroll down for more.
A couple got into an argument over chores after the husband felt like his wife 'should' be doing more at home
Image credits: Gary Barnes
In response, the woman increased her husband's chores because she works 7 days a week
Things got so heated, she even locked her husband's PS5 in their safe
Relationship expert Alex recommended that each partner ought to write down which chores they absolutely loathe and which ones they don't mind doing all that much. "For example, I don’t mind cleaning toilets but I hate vacuuming, so my partner is the one who vacuums and I’m the one that cleans the bathroom. For any chores that both partners don’t want to do, take turns alternating. This will vary from couple to couple but the goal here is to keep communication open, fair, and realistic for each other’s schedules," she said.
Meanwhile, Alex went in-depth about the so-called "post-argument hangover" which she says each and every couple needs to learn how to navigate. "I recommend physical touch in the form of a hug or a 6-second kiss, the reason for this is co-regulation," she noted.
Alex explained what exactly co-regulation is. "[It is] how we self soothe as infants; a baby cries and a caregiver comes to cuddle and soothe the baby. As adults, co-regulation is very powerful and something we can use to our advantage. So even though you may not feel like hugging or kissing your partner post-argument, as soon as you can bring yourself to do so, go for it. Your nervous system will thank you as it regulates with your partner's nervous system by sensing their heart rate and breathing."
The redditor had an update for everyone later on
The redditor said that she spent hours combing through everyone’s comments and decided that they were both to blame, even if she was right to stand up for herself.
“I had been stewing in anger for days, and that is horribly unhealthy. And that anger is years of bottled feelings spilling up over something not worth that sort of reaction. I will sit John down tonight and have a long talk,” she wrote. “I will show him this thread and we will decide how we want to proceed. The people that we are now are so different from the people we were when we got married and we started dating.”
Here's how people reacted when they read the woman's story. Most redditors were on her side
Previously, I spoke about dividing up chores fairly with relationship expert Dan Bacon who is the founder of The Modern Man project. Honest conversations about chores and dividing up housework are vital, he told Bored Panda earlier. Avoiding such conversations can lead to unnecessary arguments, resentment, and potentially even break-ups.
“Housework used to be seen as women’s work only, due to a man traditionally being the breadwinner and the woman staying at home all day. Yet, in today’s society, if both the man and woman are working, it’s more fair, loving, and respectful for both of them to contribute to keeping the house clean,” Dan said.
“On the other hand, if a man is the sole breadwinner and the woman stays home all day, many people would agree that she should do most or even all of the housework. That said, no one actually ‘has to’ do anything in a relationship,” he noted that it’s all about fairness and communication.
“A woman shouldn’t ever force a man to do housework and a man shouldn’t force a woman to do it either. Instead, the couple should honestly agree on what they feel is fair and then go with that. If it feels unfair to one of them, resentment will build up, arguments will happen and they will feel less connected and happy as a couple.”