Long-term relationships are hard. It can be really difficult to live with someone day in, day out. If you don't want your bond to disintegrate, the both of you have to cooperate, negotiate, communicate, and connect every single day. Add a kid or two into the mix and things get even more interesting.
Studies show that aside from sex, money is the next big thing married couples fight about. And sadly, Reddit user Valley-Mountains3453 has just got a taste of it.
Even though she and her husband were clear on keeping their finances separate, a big fight broke out between the two after the woman refused to pay for her partner's and his family's bills at a restaurant.
What you want to spend money on (and when) reveals critical things about your values and priorities, so a conflict like this doesn't sound too crazy. If you've just started dating. But Valley-Mountains3453 thought she and her husband were past that.
After they couldn't work it out, she turned to the "Am I the A***ole?" community, asking them for an outsider's opinion on what had happened.
A couple who lived with separate finances for years have just had a huge fight over a restaurant bill
Image credits: Davey Gravy (not the actual photo)
And it looks like they aren't resolving the issue any time soon
According to data from a 2021 study of 1,713 couples conducted by Fidelity, roughly 40% of couples who live together don’t know how much their partner makes.
These results came despite 71% of respondents saying they communicate “very well” with their other half, and 25% saying they communicate about money “exceptionally well.”
So it seems that many couples are hesitant to have full, honest discussions about money. “Life is busy and people don’t necessarily take the time to talk about their finances,” Stacey Watson, senior vice president of Life Event Planning at Fidelity, told CNBC Make It. “Money can be an uncomfortable topic.”
And it is to many. 44% of participants reported that they argue about money with their spouse occasionally, while 20% said money is actually their biggest relationship challenge.
According to Shannon McLay, founder and CEO of The Financial Gym, shame is often the factor that keeps people from being forthcoming with their partner, whether it be about how much money they make or the amount of debt they have.
"People are more comfortable getting physically naked with somebody than financially naked," McLay noted. "We've seen couples who have been married for years, who have children, and don't know about each [other's finances]." If that is the case, it's usually just a matter of time before they end up in a similar situation.
Experts at the National Bank of Canada agree. The 50/50 split works when both people are making more or less the same. But if there is a significant salary gap between them, the distribution of expenses is more balanced if each contributes proportionally to their income.
The equation is really simple too: all you have to do is calculate what percentage of total household income is earned by each person and then apply this percentage to the total monthly budget.
Let's take this hypothetical situation as an example: one of the spouses earns $75,000 per year and the other $25,000. The monthly household budget is $5,000. How do they allocate the expenses? The spouse who earns $75,000 transfers $3,750 to the joint account (or 75% of $5,000) and the other transfers the remaining $1,250 (25% of $5,000). Thus, each partner is contributing to shared expenses in relation to their financial capacity.
There are many different kinds of conversations couples can have about money, but many limit themselves to only discussing basic financial decisions like how much they spend on vacations or their children’s education. But it’s all about context. The bigger picture.
“There’s a difference between making financial purchase decisions and sharing financial details,” McLay highlighted. “It’s great that you can have those conversations about purchases, but if you don’t know the digits, then you’re making decisions from a flawed perspective.”
As a starting point, McLay recommends that couples talk about their respective salaries, savings, credit scores, investments, and debt. She believes it’s crucial for couples to share information because it could be a major factor in larger decisions, such as taking out a loan or, like in our story, buying a house.
People thought the husband was out of his depth
