Acts of service don’t have to be your main love language for you to enjoy doing something special for your partner. They also don't have to be over the top to be appreciated, as breakfast in bed or a handmade Christmas card can mean more than the most expensive gift.
One Redditor decided to surprise her husband with his favorite cake on his birthday, which she made to accommodate his dietary restrictions. But sadly, he didn’t react in the way she had hoped. Scroll down to find the full story, as well as Bored Panda’s interviews with the author herself and clinical psychologist and mental health advocate, Dr. Monica Vermani.
This woman made a cake for her husband’s birthday, but he wasn’t too appreciative of the gesture
Image credits: Yulia Ilina/Pexels (not the actual photo)
"AITA I told him I would never again bake him something"
"My husband is lactose intolerant but he likes banana cake.
For his birthday, I baked a two layer banana cake and made the recipe of a vegan frosting and a vegan toffee sauce that was really good!
When we were going to sing the usual Happy Birthday song, he stood up and was walking over the cake table while I was saying that I had baked a banana cake for him with vegan frosting and sauce.
His answer, in front of everyone, was that he didn’t know why I had baked him some cake if I already knew he didn’t like them because he has not eaten in so many years that he doesn’t even like it anymore.
I felt hurt and didn’t say a thing there. I thought that he would appreciate me baking a cake for his birthday because that’s what his mom used to do when he was a kid and he always makes a comment about me not baking the kids’ cakes.
Image credits: Juan Pablo Serrano/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Every time I go to the local bakery, I get him a banana cake and he eats it and says how much he likes it.
The rest of the celebration, I was trying to act normal, but he noticed and when everyone left, he asked if I was ok. I said I was never going to bake him something. His answer was, thank you and that I was being unfair with him because I should have already know.
Worst of all of this was that, my birthday is the same day as his. So I baked another cake for me because I wanted a chocolate cake, but this is just venting.
AITA?"
Edit: you can search for recipebyrosie in TikTok, Instagram and web page for the recipes :) since a lot of you are asking for it.
Credits: Status_pokerface
Image credits: ANTONI SHKRABA production/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Surprises can make the people we cherish feel loved
When you love someone, you want to see them smile. You want them to know just how much you appreciate them, how much you like spending time together, and how loved they make you feel. That’s arguably why most people want to make their partners feel equally as loved, and they often do by surprising them with something special.
But the ‘something special’ doesn’t necessarily have to be something grand or expensive; nor does it have to be on a special occasion. Little surprises, such as making their favorite meal for dinner or putting a chocolate they love into their bag before they head out to work, can significantly improve their day and make them feel loved. While it sounds like—and probably is—a cliché, it is indeed the thought that matters the most. (Or at least that is how I console myself after more than one dessert going wrong when trying to do something nice for my loved ones.)
In addition to making someone else’s day, the person responsible for arranging the surprise themselves might get a kick out of it, too. A poll of 2,000 Brits found that one-in-four of them tends to have “a spring in their step” for the remainder of the day after surprising someone, The Mirror reports. A third of respondents said surprising others boosts their mood.
Moreover, a similar number of people—roughly one-in-three of them—shared that they prefer giving gifts and surprises rather than receiving them. If you were wondering – close to half of surveyed individuals—46%, to be exact—said they prefer little surprises over grand gestures.
The husband not appreciating the time and the effort the woman put in is what upset her the most
It’s pretty safe to assume that receiving a homemade cake on your birthday is a surprise that many people would appreciate. That is arguably why the OP decided to make one for her husband, but it ended up upsetting her on both of their birthdays. “What saddened me was the lack of appreciation of the time invested – I had to make time for searching for a lactose-free recipe, bake the day before and finally put it together with the frosting and the toffee sauce the day of,” the redditor told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
“I’m not a bad cook and he usually is very appreciative of the recipes I make. If there’s something he doesn’t like, he tells me after the second or third time,” she shared, adding that her husband is usually very vocal about things. “Everybody knows he is lactose intolerant, so he said it as a comment; however, this time, the comment hurt because I was sure he was going to appreciate the effort. Even if he had said it just to me, I would have been hurt.”
According to a clinical psychologist and mental health advocate, Dr. Monica Vermani, such lack of appreciation is indicative of a lack of respect and compassion on the husband’s part. “An act such as this can do tremendous harm, and cause a serious damaging ripple effect. In this situation, the husband’s willingness and intention to belittle a partner in a social setting negatively impacts his wife’s ability to trust, and trust is foundational to a loving relationship,” the expert told Bored Panda.
“What’s more, the lack of kindness demonstrated by the husband in this situation has not only an immediate, but also, a lasting impact on his wife’s level of happiness,” Dr. Vermani added. “A marriage license is not a license to treat another person with callous disregard, to belittle them, to criticize them, invalidate their feelings, or negate their acts of kindness. Treating a spouse with kindness, compassion, and consideration are foundational to sustaining a mutually respectful, mutually supportive, and loving relationship.”
Image credits: Anna Pou/Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s important to show appreciation when in a relationship
Whether big or small, gestures are arguably especially important when in a romantic relationship. But what might be even more crucial is showing appreciation to your partner. A study of enormous proportions, carried out by Samantha Joel and Paul Eastwick and based on data from more than 11,000 couples, found that appreciation was one of the top five things that mattered the most when it came to relationship satisfaction.
It’s not difficult to see why – feeling appreciated makes people feel seen and provides them with the mood boost that the third of people reportedly feel when giving gifts and surprising others; while being taken for granted is usually demotivating at best.
According to Dr. Vermani, there is a time and a place for everything and it’s important that we are kind, compassionate, and respectful when conveying concerns and criticism.
“The golden rule applies in this situation! What if the roles were reversed? The husband would certainly feel the intentional and deliberate hurt and harm had his wife behaved in the way he had,” the expert suggested.
“There is another element in play here, and one that we should all bear in mind when offering criticism. This element is negative bias. Think about an example where everyone — with the exception of one person — had good things to say about your presentation, performance, or dinner party. Chances are the comment you will remember long after the compliments fade is the negative comment from the person who found fault in your efforts,” Dr. Vermani noted. “Long after that birthday party is over, and the husband has (I would hope) seen the error of his ways and apologized to his wife, she will remember in sharp detail his thoughtless, unkind, and cruel remarks.”
According to the OP herself, when a partner shows appreciation, a person feels valued and supported and loved. “It encourages them to keep on doing small acts for the other, while now I am not going to bake anything sweet for him again,” the woman told Bored Panda.
Even though her husband didn’t thank her for making the cake, he is usually attentive and appreciative of what the OP does for him and the family. “He gives me really nice presents out of nowhere and on special occasions to show his appreciation of all the things we moms do,” the redditor shared.
Research suggests that perceived gratitude in a romantic relationship can have stress-buffering effects
Allen W. Barton, a professor of human development and family studies and an Extension specialist at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, who spent 15 months analyzing the roles that perceived and expressed gratitude play in romantic relationships, pointed out that prior research mostly focused on the significance of expressing gratitude, but the other side of the coin—feeling appreciated—is important, too.
“Our main hypothesis was that perceived gratitude from one’s partner would have what we call stress-buffering effects,” Barton told the university’s News Bureau, before revealing that the hypothesis was proven to be true – the research found that higher levels of perceived gratitude worked as buffers against common stressors in a relationship such as financial strain and ineffective arguing. Consequently, that resulted in couples not exhibiting “as strong of declines in relationship satisfaction or confidence, or the increases in instability that we typically see” [under such circumstances], Barton said.
In the comments under her post, the OP revealed that hearing her husband say “I appreciate the effort” would have made the situation way better; even if he didn’t actually like home-made banana cake, saying that he appreciated the gesture could have arguably had the said stress-buffering effect. But despite the woman’s spouse taking a different approach, the couple seems to have worked things out:
“We already spoke about this – even though he didn’t thank me, he apologized,” the OP shared, adding that a harmonious atmosphere is felt around the house now. “We have to learn to choose our fights and see beyond,” she said. “He tries to speak my love language even when it is not his. I know he tries and I appreciate that.”
The woman provided more details in the comments
Many people supported the woman, they didn’t think she was in the wrong for hoping that her efforts were appreciated
Some, however, believed that making something yourself doesn’t entitle you to others liking it
