We tend to think of cheating and infidelity as pretty clear-cut actions, but like most things in life, they tend to have a lot of nuances that are hard to see from the surface. Figuring out where you stand in relation to your partner is a lot less straightforward than one might think.
A woman turned to the internet for advice when she started to suspect her husband was forming an emotional attachment to their babysitter. While there was no overt evidence, she felt like there were a lot of smaller signs. Readers did their best to parse all the information and help OP navigate through these treacherous waters.
Not all cheating and infidelity is strictly physical
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A wife wondered if her husband was getting too close to their babysitter so she turned to the internet for advice
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Later, OP shared an update of what happened when she talked with her husband
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Emotional cheating is more common than one might think
Marital and family therapist David J. Moultrup defined emotional infidelity as “A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."
While traditional definitions of cheating normally involve some physical activity, research suggests that sustained emotional cheating can often be more hurtful to the partner than, say, a one-night stand. This isn’t to say that it's acceptable to do, but it tends to impact the victim less than learning that your partner is now attached to someone else.
This concept is complicated by the fact that most people will generally have emotional attachments to multiple other folks. After all, we tend to be quite close to friends and family, something OP’s husband even brought up when he said that his actions would be acceptable with a cousin.
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There is a chance the husband is simply ignorant of what his actions look like
Firstly, she is absolutely not his cousin or really any other sort of relative and is ten years his junior. As many of the commenters note, these aren't the sort of people who might have a lot in common. However, the real issue, that OP herself hasn’t quite internalized, is that her discomfort should be enough to make him back off.
It is entirely possible that the husband and babysitter are just friends, perhaps her mother really is sick and this is in some way relatable to him. But, as some commenters noted, he has to be quite blockheaded to not realize what his actions look like from the side, particularly when his literal wife is saying she feels weird about it. While partners shouldn’t be controlling, it’s still important to be open and honest about what makes you uncomfortable.
Emotional cheating is even further complicated by the fact that sometimes it’s not, at least initially, intended to be cheating. One study conducted by the University of Chicago found that 27% of emotional cheating cases were from happy marriages. In many cases, the “cheater” didn’t actually see what they were doing as cheating. Or what started as a friendship ended up deepening into something more.
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OP’s feelings about the situation should be more important to her husband
However, it’s important to remember that most people do lie in surveys and are generally not going to be super honest with researchers about their infidelity. Even worse, many people aren’t even honest with themselves. This is perhaps the largest hurdle OP might need to overcome, that her spouse himself doesn’t quite understand what he is doing.
However, as stated previously, ignoring and disregarding his wife after she has explicitly told him how she feels is not something that he can chalk up to ignorance. After all, this young woman isn’t a family friend in the classic meaning of the word. He can create some distance while keeping her as a babysitter. If he refuses, OP needs to evaluate why he would have such strong opinions about keeping a “friendship” with a babysitter over his wife.
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Readers thought that OP was right to feel like the situation was "off"
