Let’s be honest: trans people are facing an uphill battle when it comes to their rights and recognition. They’re still very much treated as if they’re on the fringes of society, one that's still mostly stubbornly avoiding getting to grips with non-traditional gender identities.
One man turned to an online community for advice after his son came out as trans and his wife came out as transphobic. Feeling like his family is imploding, he just wants everything to be approached with love, but that seems more impossible by the day.
While trans people struggle to be recognized, transphobia seems to attack them from every angle, even at home
Image credits: Elena Helade / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
One man, whose teen son recently came out as trans, was caught in the middle after accepting his son-now-daughter’s decision, while his wife responded with rage
Image credits: user25451090 / Freepik (not the actual photo)
For the last 8 months, his wife has been deadnaming and misgendering his son-now-daughter, while he does everything he can to offer them both love and support
Image credits: twenty20sparkasse / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After his son-now-daughter asked him if she could move to Portland to stay with his sister, he said it wouldn’t be a problem, but hadn’t told his wife yet
Image credits: SquirrelOpposite3228
Now he’s torn between supporting his son-now-daughter and keeping the peace with his wife, so he turned to netizens to ask them for any kind of advice
The original poster (OP,) a dad married for 17 years, says his world changed overnight when his son, 16, came out as transgender. He embraced her, Lily, instantly, researching how to support her. His wife, Sarah, however, flatly refused. What followed wasn’t confusion, but denial, grief, and rage that poisoned their home.
Over months, Sarah deadnamed Lily, misgendered her, called it a phase, and littered the house with trans-exclusionary radical feminist (TERF) articles. Lily retreated to the basement because her mother couldn’t stand seeing her in a skirt. OP painted the basement walls lavender, hung fairy lights, delivered meals quietly, and signed consent for low-dose HRT as tension grew nightly and his marriage started falling apart.
The medication changed Lily for the better. She smiled, slept, spoke softly, and finally seemed alive. Sarah, on the other hand, saw every improvement as betrayal, accusing OP of “mutilating" their child. Now Lily wants to move to Portland, live with an affirming aunt, and finish school safely, far from the hostility that’s been crushing her spirit.
Torn, OP hasn’t told his wife yet. Saying yes saves Lily but shatters a fragile marriage; saying no runs the risk of his daughter drowning at home. He loves his wife, their shared history, and their life. He also loves his child, watching her finally bloom, but knowing someone will be destroyed either way. Now he’s turned to netizens, pleading for advice.
Image credits: undefinedstock / Freepik (not the actual photo)
OP is in the last place anyone would want to be: forced to choose between the wellbeing of your spouse and that of your child. It’s clear his wife is still in shock, but can she get to a point when she’ll accept and respect her son-now-daughter’s decision? We went looking for answers.
According to the experts at Long Beach Therapy, for a child to come out as trans to their parents, it takes a lot of thought, effort, and bravery. If your spouse isn’t as accepting as they should be, give them time to come to terms with things, while also making sure your child knows that you’ve got their back.
People often demand that parents present a united front, but in a situation like OP’s, it’s important for your child to know that you don’t agree with the way your spouse is behaving. You can also remind your spouse that your child isn’t any different now, and who they really are hasn’t changed one bit.
Writing for VeryWellMind, Ariane Resnick suggests a few ways a parent can accept their child is trans, including trying not to react emotionally, educating yourself, letting your child know you support them, and using their pronouns and chosen name.
According to the Parents website, respecting a young person’s preferred pronouns can make a huge difference to their mental health and overall happiness. Some people may feel comfortable being referred to as he, she, or they interchangeably, while others prefer the less gendered they/them. Perhaps OP’s wife can at least start with that?
What’s your take? Should OP try to persuade his wife to accept their child, or is all lost for the family? Drop your thoughts in the comments.
In the comments, readers had nothing but words of encouragement for the struggling dad and offered some practical steps that could help his son-now-daughter
