When you decide to get married, you’re agreeing to merge your life completely with your partner. And for most couples, that’s extremely exciting! But when that also includes inviting in-laws who aren’t fans of you into your life, things can get complicated.
One mother recently shared on Reddit that she found herself in some family drama after defending herself against her in-laws’ rude comments. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as a conversation with Dr. Lee Baucom of Save The Marriage.
This woman and her husband both work to support their family
Image credits: piasupuntongpool / envato (not the actual photo)
So when her in-laws repeatedly shamed her for keeping her job, she found it impossible to stay silent
Image credits: Keira Burton / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image source : PlaneKoala1680
There are benefits to both being a stay-at-home parent and being a working parent
To gain some perspective on this situation, we reached out to therapist Dr. Lee Baucom, creator of Save The Marriage. Dr. Baucom was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how parents can decide whether they should both keep their jobs.
“Children need consistency in care. How that care happens is less about working versus stay-at-home parenting, and [more about] quality of care,” the expert says. “There are plenty of situations where a child gets minimal care in either situation, and possibilities in either way for consistent and substantial care.”
“There is usually more of a philosophical judgment that is made by one camp toward the other,” Dr. Baucom continued. “This is the case here. Research shows different potential benefits for either approach. So, the question is how the couple makes that decision and supports each other in that decision.”
"In-law conflict is in the top five areas of marital conflict"
We also asked the therapist what kind of an impact it can have on a marriage when spouses have tumultuous relationships with their in-laws. As cliche as it may sound, it’s actually quite common for married individuals to have trouble with their in-laws. And unsurprisingly, these relationships tend to be the most complicated between mothers and their daughter-in-laws.
“When I talk with couples pre-marital, I remind them that when they marry, their spouse’s family is their family,” Dr. Baucom noted. “Conflict with in-laws creates a very tough position for the spouse, feeling pulled between them. I do remind each that their spouse’s family is part of what formed the person they love, and to remember that.”
“But I also remind a spouse that their allegiance is now shifted to their spouse, over their family of origin,” the therapist added. “In-law conflict is in the top five areas of marital conflict. So, conflict with in-laws often leads to conflict between a couple.”
We also asked the expert what a spouse can do when their family doesn’t support their partner. “In this case, it would have been appropriate for the husband to clearly state, ‘We have chosen to raise our family in this way, with both of us working. We make sure the children are cared for. And I expect you to respect that as our decision,’” he shared. “Standing as a unified force is important for a couple, both with their kids and their family.”
"They both would have been better served by earlier standing together"
Dr. Baucom also pointed out that there are clearly some underlying familial scripts around gender roles and money in this situation. “What happened here was the wife saying something that hit against that script,” he noted. “The husband felt shame. It is interesting that his advice to his wife was to ignore their comments about choices made, but he felt shame when she spoke about the reasons for the choice.”
“In other words, he didn’t follow his own advice. They both would have been better served by earlier standing together, stating they had made their choice, and they did not need to hear opinions about it from others,” the therapist explained. “That would have been a good marital boundary for both to give, together, as a team. And that really is the question for any couple: How can you stand together as a team?”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this mother was right to stand up for herself? Should her husband have done more? Feel free to weigh in. Then if you'd like to read another Bored Panda piece discussing similar family drama, look no further than right here!
Readers assured the mother that she had every right to stand up for herself
