“I Don’t Know What To Do”: Woman Hates How Her Married Life Is Going, Asks For Advice

Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with licensed marriage and family therapists MoAndra Johnson and Yuki Shida, who kindly agreed to share some advice on what to do when relationships get a little dull.

Both our interviewed licensed marriage and family therapists say that it's completely normal for a long-term relationship to start feeling a little dull. "Most relationships fall into a routine at some point, and that sense of predictability can actually feel safe and comforting. But too much routine without intentional connection can start to feel stale," explains licensed marriage and family therapist MoAndra Johnson.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Yuki Shida adds that this is especially true for young adults, as they're going through so much growth and change in their careers, living situations, friendships, and just trying to figure out adulting in general.

"An unfortunate side effect is they might suddenly find that their relationship hasn't been growing at the same rate. This can be rooted in lack of novelty, unmet needs, or unresolved conflicts," she says.

Johnson also mentions that boredom in relationships often comes up when couples stop putting in the energy to stay connected. "Work, family, and daily stress can push the relationship aside. Sometimes people forget that we’re always growing and changing, and we need to keep learning about each other."

When boredom enters a relationship, it doesn't mean that the relationship is failing, even though it might feel like it. It's a sign that the couple should invest more time in each other, says Johnson. "It’s feedback, not failure. The strongest couples keep choosing each other in new ways and stay curious about who their partner is becoming."

So when a couple starts feeling like the spark is fading in their relationship, instead of blaming each other, they should talk openly about it and get curious together, Johnson advises. "What’s missing? When did you last try something new together or ask each other different questions? Small changes like planning an out-of-the-ordinary date or exploring a new hobby together can help. If things feel stuck, working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to reconnect."

Meanwhile, Shida recommends couples imagine their relationships as a house.

"If your relationship was a house that you built together, what are the areas that might need some reinforcement or some repairs? In mild cases of boredom, most couples just need to work on getting to know one another again. In tougher cases, the trust or commitment levels of the relationship may be in trouble. As a healthy preventative measure, couples should strive to have play and adventure as a regular part of their relationship, have good communication skills, and seek professional help when needed."

During the journey to recovering excitement in the relationship, it's important that partners avoid blaming each other. "Try not to treat boredom like it’s someone’s fault. Also, don’t assume that boredom means the love is gone. It usually just means you’re ready for something to shift or grow. Be careful not to look for excitement only outside the relationship. Focus on how you can bring it back together," Johnson advises.

"Avoid blaming statements and absolute statements, like 'You never initiate dates anymore.' Avoid defensiveness, contempt, criticism, and shutting out the other person (these are the classic no-nos from research)," adds Shida. "Do not avoid talking about this problem, especially when it is in the early stage, as that is when it is easiest to resolve!"