It’s not without reason that the saying “When you marry someone, you marry their family” is so common. Even though these words may prompt an eye roll from some people, there’s a lot of truth in them. Whether the couple just started dating, is in a serious relationship, got engaged, or is already married, their parents and siblings are bound to be involved in their relationship and even have an impact on it—for better or for worse.
This woman seemed to be getting along fine with her boyfriend’s family until she noticed that his sister was taking things from her. To address this issue, she first decided to get some proof beforehand. After she succeeded, she confronted the sibling, but it definitely didn’t go as she expected.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with licensed marriage and family therapists Tyana Tavakol and Matthew Mangiapane, who kindly agreed to chat with us more about complicated relationships with in-laws.
Whether the relationship is new or long-term, partners' families are bound to be involved in it
Image credits: Meg Aghamyan (not the actual photo)
This woman seemed unfazed by this fact, until her boyfriend's sister started taking things from her
Image credits: Jakub Żerdzicki (not the actual photo)
Image source: Adhdprincesspeach
75% of couples experienced problems with an in-law
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle (not the actual photo)
Most people don’t go into a relationship expecting to have difficulties with their partner’s parents or siblings. However, gaining a new family isn’t always as smooth as one hopes for. A US study from 2022 found that both men and women tend to have more conflicts with their partner’s side of the family than their own. Meanwhile, 2008 findings reported that 75% of couples experienced problems with an in-law.
In-law relationships tend to be tricky due to changes in family dynamics that aren't necessarily open to change, says licensed marriage and family therapist Tyana Tavakol. "When you have a family that operates in a rigid system, for example, a matriarchal or patriarchal family that operates on having control, and you bring someone into the system that operates differently, this is considered a subconscious threat."
While with your own family, it’s more likely that you have more common ground and interests, the overlap in common agreement with in-laws is smaller, which is also reason enough to complicate in-law dynamics, says licensed marriage and family therapist Matthew Mangiapane.
"Differences in opinion alone can lead to significant arguments and disagreements, especially when you view it in the context of the partner relationship in conflict with in-laws: Who defends who? When is it appropriate to side with your spouse instead of your family?"
The relationship that is especially tricky among in-law family dynamics is between a female spouse and her sister-in-law. Even though sisterly bonds are known to be strong and special, this isn’t often the case with these two family members.
"Maybe they're very close to their own sister/brother, and a new spouse can feel like an encroachment on their lifelong relationship," Mangiapane said. "It can feel like they're losing their best friend, but instead they should think of it as a way of broadening their own connections."
In-law relationships aren’t always a lost cause
Image credits: Stephanie Berbec (not the actual photo)
The good news is that in-law relationships aren’t always a lost cause. If you fell to the more difficult spectrum in your partner’s family, Mangiapane suggests addressing the matter with open communication.
"In many family situations, communication is absolutely key to resolving issues that come up. There may be a time and place to truly have effective conversations, but be open about your feelings with each other. It's okay to disagree with each other, but do it in a way that shows you still respect and value each other's positions," he advised.
"Pause the conversation if it's getting too heated, and come back later on to address it with a calmer headspace. Focus on your internal thoughts a bit to gather what you're really feeling and why. Listen actively, but nonjudgmentally. We all have different worldviews that shape our lives, and maybe how your in-laws see one situation is simply an alternative way of perceiving a situation. Don't be dismissive, but respect yourself too."
Tavakol adds that to improve in-law dynamics, it could be beneficial to let go of expectations and find ways to merge the in-law and partners' cultures.
"For example, in merging more into the in-law family, learning traditions or values the in-law family has and participating in them; asking questions and being curious about their backgrounds and why their values are so important to them, it's possible to lead with curiosity instead of misunderstanding and frustration. If partners bring their own cultures into the family, they can share more stories about how they grew up and introduce their own family's traditions."
However, sometimes there's no possible way to reach a harmonious relationship with the in-laws. In this case, Tavakol recommends keeping in mind that not everyone has to get along and stresses the importance of partners having a united front.
"More conflict comes from mixed messages (e.g., the partner saying they are not ok with something and the in-law's child saying it's fine) than a united front. When both partners are on the same page about their boundaries, how they're going to allocate their time, and what they will and will not tolerate as treatment from in-laws, it may create an initial rise in tension in the in-law family system, it makes a huge difference."
The woman provided more information in the comments
Some readers were on her side
While others had a different perspective
