We don’t have to say that losing a loved one is a dreadful thing to experience. Everyone knows that. Yet, it is an inevitable part of life. And it all comes down to how people deal with it.
Some, just like the wife of today’s OP, struggle more than others. Her grief manifested in her bringing up her late mom anytime she had the chance. While, at first, her family viewed it as a natural coping mechanism, it soon started feeling like joy was being taken out of their lives. And, well, that doesn’t sound nice, does it?
More info: Reddit
For some people, grief seems to heal with time, but others aren't so fortunate
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
The author's wife lost her mom to cancer a while ago, and since then, she constantly brings her up anytime her family does anything joyous
Image credits: Karolina Kaboompics (not the actual photo)
Due to this habit, her family felt that they couldn't do anything cheerful without it turning into a memorial for the wife's mom
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch (not the actual photo)
One time, the couple's eldest daughter was planning her 13th birthday, and she asked her mom not to bring up her grandma, as she wanted a happy celebration, but the mom still did it
Image credits: u/living4themomentz
This made the author confront their wife, saying it wasn't fair that she kept mentioning her mom despite being asked not to, but the woman felt that her behavior was justified
The OP’s wife was very close to her mother. Sadly, 2 years ago, the mother passed away due to cancer. To talk about grief, Bored Panda reached out to certified EMDR Therapist Khalida Himes. Check out her Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube channel.
The loss of a mother took a toll on the author's wife more than anyone else. Khalida voiced that it's normal for the death of a loved one to have significant psychological, behavioral, emotional, social, and physical consequences. Yet, when the OP suggested his spouse go to therapy, she refused to do so.
It’s unfortunate that she refused. Grief counseling can help people identify and express the emotions brought on by the loss of a loved one. Our interviewee said that the way grief is expressed varies from person to person. "Factors that can impact grief include the relationship with the deceased, how much time was spent anticipating the loss, previous experiences of bereavement, and cultural beliefs and practices. Grief is a natural response to loss that can involve many different emotions that come and go in no particular order."
Grief counseling can assist a person in understanding these kinds of complicated feelings and not let them get consumed by them. Besides, it can help develop healthy coping skills that help over time. It can also allow people to accept their loss by integrating it into their new reality. Seeing how today’s story went, it’s pretty clear that the woman could have used many of counseling's benefits.
Since everyone experiences grief differently, it manifests uniquely for each person. For example, Khalida pointed out that there's a misconception that if a person isn't crying, that means they're not grieving: "Tears don’t mean that someone is not impacted, many people experience emotional numbness as they are processing. A person [who] is numb or in disbelief may be unable to cry when grieving. If someone cries often, a little, or not at all, it has no relationship to how much they’re grieving."
The grief of the woman in today's story manifested in her bringing up her late mom basically all the time. For example, during her pregnancy, she couldn’t stop saying she wished her mom was there. It is a known fact that people who lose a loved one can struggle with adapting to the world without them. After all, having any type of relationship with someone makes people bond, and such a loss can feel like losing a part of yourself. And, as the OP pointed out, it is natural that their wife struggles with it. And remember the fact about healthy coping skills? Well, as today's story proved -- the one this woman employed wasn't very healthy.
Yet, with time, her struggle started becoming the whole family’s trouble. Anything the family does goes back to the wife's mom in one way or another. The author described it as the cloud hanging over their heads and preventing them from feeling joy.
Image credits: Dương Nhân (not the actual photo)
Yet, anytime the topic of therapy, which would help the wife adjust to life without her mom, was brought up, she refused to talk about it. And so, the whole situation led to a breaking point.
The couple’s eldest daughter was turning 13. Some say that turning this age is significant, as the child is slowly turning into a teenager and is likely to start puberty if they haven’t already. The OP’s daughter wanted to have a happy celebration for this milestone. So, she asked her mom not to bring up her late grandmother, as she wanted a happy celebration. The woman agreed to stay silent. But when the cake came, she still did it.
This infuriated the girl, and she didn’t speak for the rest of the dinner. Later, the original poster explained to their wife that the way she acted wasn’t fair. After all, if she was getting very emotional, she could’ve excused herself and kept the promise to her daughter.
Yet, this confrontation made the woman feel like she was the one who was treated unfairly. And so, she chose to give both her spouse and daughter the silent treatment, which prompted the birth of this Reddit post.
The people’s judgment there was pretty unified – they all thought that the OP calling out their wife on her behavior was justified. They just reiterated our point that grief counseling would be a great idea for her. After all, it’s been 2 years, and the woman still sounds like she’s consumed by grief.
Speaking of being consumed by grief, our interviewee mentioned that there’s a whole mental disorder of prolonged grief. According to Khalida, it's characterized by grief symptoms lasting longer than a year after the loss. It can even go to the lengths of interfering with a person's daily life and causing problems with other relationships.
We feel like diagnosing a stranger with a mental disorder would be wrong, so we’re not saying that the wife definitely has it. Still, it’s pretty clear that she still deeply fights with her grief. Longing for someone is natural, but it becomes a problem when it starts ruining the relationships with people who are still here. So, we can only wish that, at some point, the woman was able to realize it and went to therapy before some irreparable damage was done.
So, the author turned to Reddit to ask who's right here, and netizens decided that the woman was 100% in the wrong
