For years, London-based author Alice Snape believed there was something seriously wrong with her marriage.
After more than a decade with her husband, intimacy had become rare, and every rejection felt personal.
Speaking candidly about her experience, Snape explained how months could pass without getting intimate, leaving her wondering whether they were growing apart.
Highlights
- Alice Snape initially feared her husband’s lack of interest in intimacy meant their marriage was struggling.
- Research on long-term relationships helped her understand that routine and familiarity can affect desire.
- Honest conversations and clearer communication helped the couple reconnect and rebuild their romantic spark.
“Does he not fancy me any more? Do I even fancy him still?” she recalled asking herself.
But after digging into relationship research and having a few honest conversations with her husband, Snape discovered that what she was experiencing is common in long-term relationships.
Now, she is revealing how she brought passion back into the bedroom.
Alice Snape shared insights into the intimate life with her husband
Image credits: Alice Snape
Snape had been with her husband for 15 years and married for 10 when she began to worry about their relationship.
The couple who once couldn’t keep their hands off each other had slowly settled into the routines of everyday life.
Work, chores, responsibilities, and family commitments had taken over the excitement that once came naturally.
Looking back on their early years together, she remembered how different things used to be.
"We used to kiss all the time, all over the place, and had s*x in every room of our first flat," she wrote.
But over time, intimacy became less frequent. Instead of romantic moments, most conversations revolved around everyday tasks.
Image credits: Alice Snape
"The daily 'what are we having for dinner, then?' doesn't exactly turn me on," she admitted.
One weekend, she walked into her husband's garden office and directly asked whether he wanted to have s*x.
His answer was simple: "No."
The rejection stayed with her far longer than she expected. She began questioning everything.
At one point, she joked that her libido felt like it had been packed away.
"My libido feels like it was stuffed back in the loft along with the Christmas decorations," she wrote.
Although she knew many couples experienced dry spells, she couldn't shake the feeling that something important was missing from their marriage.
Looking for answers, Snape came across the work of a renowned psychotherapist
Image credits: Alice Snape
Snape came across the work of renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel, whose book Mating in Captivity explores why desire often changes in long-term relationships.
Apparently, one idea in particular stood out to Snape.
"The closer you are to someone, paradoxically, the less desire you end up having for them over time," Snape wrote while discussing Perel's research.
The concept is supported by several academic studies.
A 2014 study titled Role of Partner Novelty in S*xual Functioning: A Review published by the University of British Columbia, found that desire often declines as familiarity increases, while novelty tends to boost attraction and arousal.
Image credits: Alice Snape
Researchers concluded that people frequently experience lower levels of excitement when relationships become highly predictable and routine.
Another 2014 study titled S*x Differences in Attraction to Familiar and Unfamiliar Opposite-S*x Faces found that men generally showed a stronger preference for novelty, while women were more likely to respond positively to familiarity.
The findings helped explain something that had been bothering Snape for years.
Image credits: Instagram/Alice Snape
She still loved her husband deeply. The emotional connection hadn’t disappeared; it was the absence of anticipation and excitement that had once been part of the relationship.
The studies further suggested that many couples mistakenly interpret a decline in desire as a sign of falling out of love, when in reality they may simply be stuck in repetitive routines.
After spending time reflecting on the situation, Snape realized the problem wasn’t what she thought
Image credits: Adam Winger/Unsplash (not an actual photo)
Instead of asking her husband directly while he was busy working, she created a more romantic atmosphere and sent him a playful photo.
The response was completely different.
Her husband immediately showed interest. The experience led to a conversation that changed how she viewed the situation.
According to Snape, her husband confessed that many of her previous attempts at initiating intimacy had gone right over his head.
When she suggested going to bed early, he often assumed she was tired.
Image credits: Alice Snape
When she made subtle hints, he simply did not notice them.
Most importantly, he explained that saying “no” on certain occasions wasn’t necessarily a rejection of her.
He explained that sometimes he was distracted, sometimes he was busy, and sometimes the timing wasn’t just right.
The realization came as a huge relief for Snape.
Following that, the couple began talking more openly about intimacy and what they both needed from the relationship.
Newer research has challenged the idea that long-term closeness automatically destroys attraction
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not an actual photo)
A 2023 study titled Does Too Much Closeness Dampen Desire? Published by the Department of Psychology of York University, found that higher emotional closeness is often associated with greater desire.
At the same time, researchers noted that successful couples tend to balance intimacy with individuality.
In other words, maintaining personal interests, hobbies, friendships, and a sense of independence can help partners continue seeing each other as interesting and attractive people rather than simply roommates or co-parents.
Image credits: Alice Snape
That idea made sense to Snape.
Rather than waiting for passion to magically return, she and her husband started making deliberate efforts to reconnect.
They prioritized quality time together, flirted more often, and sought opportunities to break away from their usual routines.
The goal wasn't to recreate the early days of their relationship but to create new experiences together.
Image credits: Womanizer Toys/Unsplash (not an actual photo)
"Emotional intimacy isn't enough on its own," Snape concluded after reflecting on what she had learned.
For her, the answer wasn't finding a new partner or accepting that romance was gone forever. It was understanding that long-term relationships require effort, communication, and sometimes a little creativity.
"The spark is back because we're working at it," she said.