The love and support of your family can get you through many tough times. In some cases, though, disagreements with loved ones can actually be the cause of stress and strife. One’s own family being against them is a type of trouble that’s much harder to deal with.
This is what a woman faced when her traditional parents stubbornly opposed her fiancé. They refused to attend her wedding until the couple gave in to their demands. Unfortunately, neither side budged, and their relationship suffered tremendously.
A proposal is supposed to be a joyous time for the couple and their family, but it can feel terrible if loved ones don’t show their support
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman shared that her boyfriend proposed to her, but when her dad found out about it, he was mad that the man had not asked him for his daughter’s hand in marriage
Image credits: DC Studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster’s fiancé refused to follow the tradition because he found it “repulsive,” so the woman’s parents told her they’d boycott her wedding and also tell their family to do the same
Image credits: bearfotos / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Folks were shocked by the behavior of the poster’s family, and some people provided suggestions on how to handle the situation
Image credits: throwawayandpanic
In an update post, the woman told folks that her family did indeed boycott her wedding and that only one of her sisters attended it
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman’s stubborn family began changing tactics when they realized she was expecting a baby girl, and they made demands related to the kid’s religion and middle name
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman told her family that they were uninvited from any important events in the kid’s life and banned from seeing her till she was old enough to decide for herself
Image credits: throwawayandpanic
The woman felt happy with her decision to keep her toxic family out of her child’s life and was glad that her father was trying to make amends with her husband
It’s easy to understand why the man didn’t want to ask the dad for his partner’s hand in marriage. This tradition dates back to times when women were considered property, and so the guy didn’t want to follow something like that. The OP’s father did not budge on his demand either, and that’s where the rift began to appear.
It’s not easy to understand and heal such complicated family matters. That’s why Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Mari Kovanen for advice. Dr. Mari has more than 20 years of experience in the field of mental health and has worked with the NHS primary and secondary care, charities, and private sector organizations.
She explained that “what on the surface looks like stubbornness may signal long-standing hurt from historical family dynamics. Stubbornness could also be to protect one's view of oneself and ego as the leader of the family and be respected (as in the case of the father).”
We also reached out to Dr. Elaine Ryan, a psychologist who has over 20 years of experience and got her PsychD from the University of Surrey. She specializes in OCD and anxiety-related conditions and worked in the National Health Service in the UK before setting up a private practice in Dublin.
Dr. Elaine explained that “stubbornness is a no-win situation. I work a lot with couples and have seen it in my work and also clearly in this case. At its most basic level, it is one person wanting the other to do things the way they want.”
“If I were speaking to both parties now, the father and the future son-in-law, I imagine it would be too easy to get caught up in both explaining their point of view. Focusing on the outcome can almost force them to move past the ‘I want someone to ask for her hand,’ as that can become irrelevant when the bigger outcome could be, ‘I want a continued relationship with all members of my family,’” she shared.
Image credits: Racool_studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman’s parents and relatives were stubborn about their views, and her mom taunted her by sending cards of family gatherings the OP wasn’t invited to. All of this soured their relationship until the relatives learned that the couple was expecting a baby.
Dr. Mari Kovanen shared that “there is a lot of hurt and experiences of loss on both sides of the family. Rekindling connections can start to happen if everyone takes responsibility for their role in the argument, as there are many sides to the story. It is also important to find compassion for the other party.”
The woman quickly realized that her family wasn’t willing to rekindle things or give in that easily. They still wanted everything done on their own terms, and her dad made that clear with his list of demands regarding the kid’s religion and middle name. He and the other relatives even tried to gaslight the woman to make her believe that they weren’t ever against her or her fiancé.
Based on all of that, the OP decided to ban her family from her and her future daughter’s life. Dr. Mari said that “[going] no-contact may be the only option if the other party is not willing to discuss the situation and potentially blames her. Rebuilding a bond requires emotional growth and willingness to work towards a resolution.”
The poster’s fiancé did urge her to find some middle ground with her family and to try to make things work. In order to make that happen, Dr. Elaine shared some strategies and said that “radical acceptance (R.A.I.N) is a great tool to use.” It means to:
- “Recognise what happened: Everyone wants different things.
- Allow it to be as it is: People have different values.
- Investigate feelings: Am I angry? Is the other person upset? Just investigate; no need to act out the feelings.
- Non-identification: whatever you are feeling right now will pass.”
Everyone wants to have a good relationship with their family and their in-laws, but if the marriage starts off on the wrong foot, it can be painful. Even though things might be too heated right now, hopefully, once the baby is born, everyone can put their differences aside and rekindle their connections.
Do you think the woman did the right thing by threatening to stop her family from ever seeing her daughter? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
Netizens supported the poster and her fiancé’s decision not to give in to the tradition, and they encouraged the woman to cut contact with her family
