Being in a relationship requires making compromises. Your partner might prefer Thai food when you were really craving Indian, and you may find your bedtime becoming earlier and earlier after moving in with your partner to accommodate their sleep schedule.
But making compromises requires healthy communication, otherwise you might end up in uncomfortable misunderstandings often. One woman recently shared a story on Reddit detailing how her boyfriend showed up at her home several hours later than the time they agreed upon, so she had already gone to sleep. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as conversations with Dr. Dan Kolubinski, Director of Reconnect UK, and Rebecca Williams, LMFT, owner of Inland Empire Couples Counseling .
After an evening out with a friend, this woman told her boyfriend that he could come over around midnight
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But when he didn’t show up until 2:30am, she decided that he was too late
Image credits: Omran Soliman / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image source: MistifiedCat
"The difficulty with inconsistency is that we aren't able to make accurate predictions of what to expect of our partner"
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
To gain more insight into this situation, we reached out to a couple of experts who were kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and explain why it can be so important to be punctual with your partner. Dr. Dan Kolubinski, Director of Reconnect UK, says, "One of the biggest predictors of a successful relationship is how someone answers the question 'Do I think that my partner has my back?' Being consistent and considerate allows our partners to depend on us," the expert shared. "The difficulty with inconsistency is that we aren't able to make accurate predictions of what to expect of our partner."
Rebecca Williams, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Inland Empire Couples Counseling, shared, "First, for many people in our society, showing up on time is a sign of respect. It communicates that we value the other person, their time, and their comfort. No one likes to be sitting and waiting for someone else to arrive, wondering how long they'll be waiting, if the other person is okay, or whether they have time to start something else while they wait. This isn't true for all people or cultures. There is a big difference between someone arriving 10-15 minutes late and two and half hours late."
"Second, whether someone shows up on time or not is a symbol of their position of relative power in the relationship," Rebecca continued. "A teacher is allowed to show up late to class without consequences, but students are not. A boss can show up late or cancel a meeting without consequences, but employees can't. If you have an issue in your relationship where one person is chronically late, it may symbolize that they believe they have (or they actually have) more power in the relationship."
"In the reddit thread, the boyfriend believes it's okay for the girlfriend to wait for him (for more than two hours), but not okay for him to wait for her," the expert explained. "If the power in their relationship were equal, he would have shown up on time, or, when arriving so late, he might have calmly walked away thinking something like 'She must have gone to bed. It is very late. Too bad we missed each other. I'll talk to her tomorrow.'"
"Showing up when we say we're going to is how trust and safety are built in relationships"
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Finally, Rebecca says that showing up when we say we're going to is how trust and safety are built in relationships. "And this isn't just about time. If you say you're going to come visit me and you don't, a little bit of the safety in our relationship is avoided," she noted. "If you say you'll pick something up for me on the way home or pay a bill and you don't, a little bit of trust is eroded. If you say you're going to work on a behavior or attitude that hurts me and no change happens, a little bit of safety and trust dies. More than the culture piece or the power piece, THIS is why it matters that we show up when we say we are going to."
If something comes up and you know you're going to be late, both therapists say to communicate that as quickly as possible. "It is vital to manage our partners' expectations of us and be direct with the reason and, if planning a time to meet, an updated time of arrival," Dr. Kolubinski says.
"A phone call or text should be fine for most circumstances. If you're meeting your partner after a dentist appointment, for example, and they call you back late, text your partner right away," Rebecca recommends.
"'It's 30 minutes past the start of my appointment and they're just taking me back now. I'm not going to make dinner on time. I'll let you know how this goes.' With more time, your partner can plan around. Maybe they won't leave home or work as early. This is better than leaving them waiting at your meeting spot and only texting when you leave the dentist, when it's too late for them to do anything else except wait for you," Rebecca explained. "If you have to cancel plans, apologize, and offer an alternative time or activity if possible. This preserves the trust in the relationship."
We also asked the therapists how this couple can better communicate to prevent misunderstandings like this in the future. "Communication does require two people," Dr. Kolubinksi says. "In the same way that he didn't keep her updated on his expected time of arrival, even though she was clear on what time she would be home, she could also have let him know when the window would close for him to visit."
"No conversation is its own isolated event, but rather an extension of all of the conversations that have come before"
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"It is possible that when he said 'okay,' he meant that he would arrive after she got home, but he might not have expected that to be right after," Dr. Kolubinski continued. "In this case, they could both have committed to a specific time or been clear on the window from the outset. Arriving at midnight would have been too early, but arriving past 2am was also too late."
"Unfortunately, he didn't seem to know that and assumed that it was okay to show up at any time. Again, being clear about the expectations and then acting within those boundaries gives our partner a sense of predictability that makes the relationship feel comfortable and safe," the therapist added.
Rebecca noted that the way the OP phrased the original hangout plan didn't seem super clear that there was a midnight deadline. "Maybe she could have said the boyfriend could come over when she got home around midnight, but 'Please come before 12:30am because I want to see you but don't want to be up all night,'" the therapist noted. "Or the boyfriend could have said 'Cool, you'll be home at midnight, but I don't think I'll get there until 2:30. Is that going to be too late for you?' Or the person could have texted when she turned off the TV and said 'Going to sleep. I'll catch you another time.'"
Dr. Kolubinski also says that, in most cases, "AITA?" is not the right question to ask. "Most people act based on the information that they have, but when there is ambiguity in the expectations, and we make assumptions to fill in those gaps, miscommunication is all too common," he explained. "To add to that, it is important to highlight that no conversation is its own isolated event, but rather an extension of all of the conversations that have come before."
"If we have regular pleasant exchanges with our partner, it is much more likely that misunderstandings will be absorbed or brushed off easily. However, if we have a series of negative experiences or we come to learn that our partner is not reliable or predictable, then those misunderstandings are magnified and the situation becomes much more challenging," Dr. Kolubinski says.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman was in the wrong for ignoring her boyfriend’s calls? Feel free to share, and then you can check out another Bored Panda article discussing relationship drama.
Later, the woman responded to some replies and provided more background information
Some readers assured the woman that she had done nothing wrong
Meanwhile, others believed that she and her boyfriend could have handled the situation better
