It’s not uncommon for people to lend their friends a helping hand. Some would argue that that’s exactly what makes someone a friend. But their help is not a given and it definitely shouldn’t be taken for granted, though many people do.
Take this redditor’s story, for instance. When her friend asked her to teach her how to make a Thanksgiving dinner from scratch, the OP didn’t mind helping her out. However, that quickly turned into her having to buy groceries for 12 people, and paying for half of it, in addition to cooking the actual meal. Needless to say, it didn’t seem like a small favor anymore.
Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interviews with the OP herself and Jeffrey Hall, professor of communication studies, associate chair, and director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions on friendship.
Making a Thanksgiving dinner can become quite a task, especially if it’s a large group that one needs to feed
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
This woman’s friend asked for her help with making a Thanksgiving dinner, but that entailed more than the netizen thought it would
Image credits: EyeEm (not the actual image)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual image)
Image credits: tsyhun (not the actual image)
Image credits: savinathewhite
The vast majority of Americans are planning to celebrate Thanksgiving this year
A recent poll, carried out by Pew Research Center, found that the majority of Americans—as many as nine-in-ten of them—are planning to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. And while some traditions are more popular than others, people seem to have many ways of commemorating it, from watching football or a parade, to volunteering, participating in a community event, or simply enjoying a meal with their loved ones.
According to said poll, close to three-in-four respondents plan to have Thanksgiving dinner with other people this year. Out of them, a quarter expects to share the meal with somewhere between six and ten people, equally as many will share it with more than ten of their friends and family, and roughly 7% say they will be in the company of more than 20 people.
Usually celebrating Thanksgiving in a group of six, the OP didn’t mind getting together with a group twice the size. She also didn’t mind cooking for them all. However, she wasn’t willing to pay for the groceries, in addition to doing most, if not all, of the work.
“I was mostly upset at the idea of doing all the organization, prep, and eventually all the cooking, and still being expected to pay for half of the groceries as well. I felt that if I did all the work, Ann should contribute the cost of the ingredients,” the OP told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
The woman shared that it was the first time Ann has asked her to teach her how to cook. However, it wasn’t the first time she has asked for a favor. “Three years ago she asked me to teach her how to sew, and it was just an excuse to have me do sewing for her – she really had no interest in learning anything,” the OP recalled. “I knew that the ‘teaching’ part was just a way of getting me to do all the work, and maybe she’d do a little bit around the edges.”
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual image)
“We will enjoy our own Thanksgiving with our friends and family, as is our custom,” the OP told Bored Panda
Discussing the difference between making a Thanksgiving dinner in the US and in Italy, the redditor pointed out that the preparation itself is more or less the same; it’s finding the ingredients that poses a lot of challenges. “Many of the traditionally used ingredients like pumpkin and cranberry are difficult to source,” she noted.
“I make everything from scratch for this reason – fresh roasted and puréed pumpkin, for example, instead of canned. The fresh tastes great, it’s just more work.”
The woman told Bored Panda that she’s always loved making Thanksgiving meals, which is why she didn’t mind the idea of cooking dinner for a larger group at someone else’s house. “More people to enjoy my cooking!” she said. The only problem, the OP added, was being expected to do all the work and to pay for it, too.
“Unfortunately Ann is the kind of person to take advantage whenever she can, so this didn’t work out in the end. [But] when I called to cancel it, there were several reasons she agreed to do it, including another guest being unable to come, so it wasn’t difficult to call it off.
“Personally I think she lost her enthusiasm when I balked at splitting the cost, but I’m not bothered. I don’t know why Ann is so miserly, but in the end I just have to be firm about not being taken advantage of,” the redditor said.
“We will enjoy our own Thanksgiving with our friends and family, as is our custom, and perhaps next year do a bigger dinner so more friends can join us.”
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual image)
“Friendship comes with an expectation of reciprocity,” expert says
Discussing the role helpfulness plays when it comes to friendship, professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, Jeffrey Hall noted that providing help and instrumental aid is one of the central expectations of friendship. “It exists across cultures, across time, and across age ranges. Being there for a friend in need is part of the definition of friendship.”
Looking at the OP’s situation from this perspective, it might seem that Ann’s request was a great way to make their bond stronger. According to the expert, spending time together doing fun things is also a central expectation of friendship.
“Cooking together, planning a party, and playing co-host are all great ways to expand friendship. I’d even go so far as to say this is a golden opportunity to have a Friends-giving, which is great for people who need their friends because they have no family, don’t feel welcome by their family, or can’t afford to travel to see their family.”
While co-hosting a party and cooking together does sound like a great way to spend quality time with a friend, the OP knew that that wasn’t a likely scenario and that she would probably have to take care of most of the tasks without getting much help. And that is not how friendship works.
“Friendship also comes with an expectation of reciprocity – ‘I help you today and you help me tomorrow,’” Prof. Hall said. “The help often comes in different forms – a friend helps me pick up something because he has a truck and I help the friend when he is going through a hard time. Friends don’t expect immediate repayment of help and often are reluctant to accept payment for help. So, friends might come help you move and then you buy them dinner the next time you two are out.”
However, judging from the OP’s comments, Ann didn’t seem to be the kind of person to reciprocate much, which is why her friend eventually decided not to do her any more favors.
Fellow netizens discussed the situation with the OP in the comments
