Healthy boundaries are what help everyone live a happy and mutually respectful life. But if you think that just because someone is a family member you should get rid of any and all boundaries, then you’d be wrong. They bring clarity, set expectations, and ensure that everyone’s on the same page. But if you don’t enforce them, they’re less than useless. Though if you do, it’s almost guaranteed that others will push back.
Redditor u/CategoryEquivalent95 opened up to the AITA online community about a spot of family drama. She shared how she was forced to start setting some serious boundaries with her sister and her kids after they started seeing her room in the basement as a ‘family room.’ Scroll down for the full story, in the OP’s own words.
Bored Panda got in touch with redditor u/CategoryEquivalent95, the author of the story, and she was kind enough to share her thoughts on what happened and walked us through her entire basement refurbishment process. Check out the full interview below.
Healthy boundaries help family members respect one another. However, not everyone understands each other's need for privacy
Image credits: Adam Winger (not the actual photo)
A woman shared how some of her relatives ignored her boundaries after they all moved back into the family home
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
The author of the story also posted an update on what happened next
Image credits: CategoryEquivalent95
"I love projects. That's why I wanted to be an engineer"
We were curious to get u/CategoryEquivalent95's thoughts as to why her story resonated with so many people online. She told Bored Panda that this might have had to do with the pandemic. "I think it's because we all got locked up with our families after COVID. A LOT of us. And that was hard. We all had to adjust, and some of us haven't tried to really. And I think every one of us has had to fight with our families and siblings during this weirdo time," she mused.
According to the author of the post, she hadn't realized that someone had been in her refurbished basement room right away. "At first, I thought I was just drinking more Rockstars than I realized. But then, I saw my game pile and controllers shuffled around, and I started thinking, 'Someone has been in here.' I just didn't have any proof until his stuffed Squirtle got locked in there."
The redditor opened up to Bored Panda that she and her sister have never gotten along. "That's why I put a lock on the damn door in the first place, and if you ask me, THAT is a healthy boundary to begin with. I don't go wandering into someone's room when they leave it closed and locked all the time. My nephew maybe doesn't know any better, but my sister is old enough to. And she just doesn't seem to care," she said.
We asked the redditor about how her basement refurbishing went, and what advice she'd give someone who's just now starting their DIY journey.
"I love projects. That's why I wanted to be an engineer," redditor u/CategoryEquivalent95 said. "First I looked at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and tried to figure out how that worked for a space. The first piece is 'Physical Shelter.' So I looked for water hazards. Flooding. Then comes 'Safety.' I exterminated spiders. Looked for obvious signs of mold. Mouse traps. There was musty, half-eaten wood so I looked for termites," she walked us through her entire process.
Image credits: SlyFoxC (not the actual photo)
"Then came 'Belonging' so I thought about what would make me feel more welcomed, and there was this cool bar/arcade/garage deal near where I worked that I liked. And they had a finished concrete floor. So I decided to make it look like that place. Make it cool," the OP told Bored Panda.
"I epoxied the floor first," she said, that this helps seal the floor, adding that she had to leave the windows open non-stop for nearly a month after that. "I got the glitter in the epoxy, and I used the colors from that to figure out what furniture to buy. I got bar stools and things that reminded me of that bar place. Then I set up video games. I put together a space for my office work. I got track lighting. I used a divider to separate my bed area. I had to do a lot of work, and I did it myself. I hammered my own drywall in."
Redditor u/CategoryEquivalent95 shared that it's vital to adapt and make the best of things, no matter what situation you're in. "If you don't like something, you have to figure out what you'd like better if you could make it better, and then work on that," she shared some great advice.
"Even if it's a bunch of small things, it helps. And that's a big thing I learned from moving in with family during the pandemic. I had to adapt. But I also realized I could adapt to my environment too. Just... not my sister."
The woman's family might have felt slightly jealous of what the basement looked like after she refurbished it
At first, the ‘creepy’ basement was a place that nobody wanted to spend time in. It was musky. It was infested with spiders (yuck!). And it was the room that u/CategoryEquivalent95 got stuck with after she moved back into her family home, along with her sister. However, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
With some time, effort, and a bit of DIY know-how, the redditor quickly managed to turn the basement into her “own personal clubhouse.” She fixed the heating and lighting. She even got a foosball table, as well as a mini-fridge. Honestly, it sounds fantastic. And it was. So much so that her family members began eyeing the place up.
Now that it was all fixed up, others wanted to spend time there. It’s all so easy to make demands when you’re not the one doing the repairs on your own dime, right? The OP’s nephew kept taking her drinks and messing with her consoles, so she decided to lock the basement. Soon enough, things got heated, some spicy words were said, and the family put everything on the table.
Image credits: fauxels (not the actual photo)
Open and honest communication is the best way forward
However, that was exactly what was needed. There is literally no substitute for open and honest communication when it comes to solving interpersonal issues. No one’s a mind-reader. If you want to solve a problem or remind someone of your personal boundaries, you need to talk to them. How you do that is up to you, but a lighthearted but firm approach often works best.
Often, these conversations don’t go as planned. But, ideally, you don’t want to be in a position where you’re aggressively accusing someone else because they’ll get overly defensive and fire back at you. Then, instead of solving the issue you wanted to in the first place, you might have sparked an entirely new argument. Try to be diplomatic, to the to-the-point, but don’t be scared to take a more lighthearted approach if you see that things are getting too heated.
As we’ve written on Bored Panda earlier, if you live without boundaries, you’re essentially living at the expense of yourself. It’s fine to make sacrifices for those you love. However, if it’s you who always has to make them, something’s clearly not right. You cannot prioritize others all the time, otherwise, you’ll burn out and live with lots of resentment.
If you keep all of those thoughts and feelings of others using you inside of you without communicating them, all of that frustration is going to keep building and building. Meanwhile, if you share your thoughts and set clear expectations, it makes life easier for absolutely everyone. Including yourself!
Actively listening to your family members and looking for compromises can help
According to the Better Health Channel, if you’re ever in a family conflict, some things to help you navigate it include staying calm, avoiding bringing up unrelated issues from the past, and remembering that—at the end of the day—you’re all on the same team. Families have arguments. It doesn’t mean that they stop being families.
Meanwhile, another important aspect to keep in mind about arguments is that you ought to do your best to play the role of a good listener. That means putting in the effort to really get to grips with what the other person is saying. Consider their perspective. Be open to compromises. And do your best to make sure that everyone’s on the same page when you do come to a consensus. That way, there will be less ambiguity in the future.
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
The woman also shared some more context in the comments of her post
Most readers were on her side. Here's what they had to say about the spot of family drama
