Blending two families together isn’t always easy. The parents may love each other deeply, but that doesn’t mean that their children will be thrilled to have new siblings or an additional parental figure. With time, patience and plenty of love, stepparents and stepchildren can form incredibly strong bonds. But only if both are willing to try.
One mother who knows this all too well posted on Reddit asking if it would be a bad idea to take a “family vacation” without including her stepson, and the internet had plenty to say. So below, you’ll find the full story, as well as reactions readers had and an update that the mother later shared.
This woman has had trouble forming a bond with her stepson
Image credits: perfectlab / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
"AITA because I (38F) don't want to take my stepson (9) on vacation?"
"My husband (39) and I have been married for 5 years. We have two children of our own, both girls, aged 5 and 2. I also have a son (10) from a previous marriage, but I was widowed.My husband's ex is barely involved in stepson's life at all.
They got divorced when stepson was 2, and his ex wanted "a fresh start" so my husband did the decent selfless thing and had complete custody of their son, even though he'd wanted shared custody.
I got a bonus at work and I really want to go on vacation with just MY family JUST once. We've been on family vacations all together lots of times. But just once I want to spend MY money going on vacation where I'm not looking after someone else's kid. I want stepson to stay with his mom while we go on vacation.
My husband sees my point of view and is okay with it. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable.
Image credits: zoranzeremski / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
My mom found out what I was planning and says I'm being a complete AH. These are the reasons she says I could be the AH:
- My mom says that if stepson's mom isn't properly involved in his life, I should be even more involved in his life to compensate (I think this is a completely unfair expectation).
- She also says that I'm being a hypocrite taking my son, but I think that's totally different because my son DOESN'T HAVE ANOTHER PARENT. I'm all he's got.
If stepson's mom won't take him just for once then obviously he'll come on vacation with us. But I don't think I'm the AH to ask if I can have a vacation with my own family just one time. It's not like I hate stepson or something, he's a nice kid, he's just not mine. Am I the AH?"
Image credits: Eyecan2 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
UPDATE:
"We definitely won't be going on vacation without stepson.
After a couple hours of replies, I decided to show this to my husband. We sat down and had a really long talk about it. He told me he's never been comfortable with my attitude to stepson, but didn't know how to say to me before.
I don't want to be a bad person, I just never thought of stepchildren being "yours". I don't think it would be easy for anyone to accept this level of criticism, but all your replies have shown me I have a LOT of work to do.
As many of you suggested (and so did my husband) I intend to see a therapist to help me with that. As I said, I don't hate stepson in any way, I have never been deliberately cruel to him, I've just always thought of him as my husband's child. But I realize my mindset needs to change.
So I'm going to start working on that. I want my family to be the best it can be, and I need to accept that it includes my stepson. I understand that now, and I'm going to start seeing a therapist to become a better person (we've also talked about maybe having family therapy too).
I've also made up with my mom, and she is 100% behind the changes I want to make in my life.
It wasn't easy to hear everything you said, but I understand that I needed to hear it."
Credits: tafornoweg
Many readers agreed that excluding the boy was a terrible idea
But later, the mom shared a huge update on her relationship with her stepson
Image credits: Image-Source / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
"In July 2023, I wrote a post on the AITA subreddit about taking a family vacation without my (step)son.
When I made my original post, I was told by literally thousands of people that I was TA, and it helped me see how wrong I was and had been for the last 5 years.
I booked a therapy appointment the following week and started working through my issues. My own father died when I was less than a year old. I don't even remember him. My mother married another man when I was 7, but he left when I was 11 and I never saw him again.
It hurt me in a way I'd never processed before. I loved him, he'd been my dad, and suddenly he was just gone. That taught me that step-relatives weren't part of your family. They weren't forever.
I always thought I was doing better than my ex-stepdad. Because I provided for my (step)son and I stayed in his life, I was better than my ex-stepdad. But I made my (step)son feel the way my ex-stepdad made me feel when he left me and I regret it so much.
A little while after I started therapy, we started family therapy too. The therapist helped me explain to my (step)son the way I felt about step-relatives and why I'd always behaved the way I did. He cried and said he was afraid that I just didn't like him, and we had the first proper talk we'd ever had. I told him that wasn't true, and I had just been a bad step-parent like my ex-stepdad had been to me.
My relationship with my (step)son is so much better now. We spend time together just the two of us, and except for this post, I never call him, or think of him as my stepson. He's my son. I accept now that he'll always be my son, that unlike my ex-stepdad, he's forever. Even if something happens between me and his dad, he'll still be my son.
Most of all, he always called me by my first name, but last Thanksgiving, he asked to start calling me mom. It made me so happy. I told him that I loved him and he said he loved me too. Since then, he always just calls me mom.
A lot of people also talked about the ways my husband needed to improve, to be more assertive and protective of his children. He knows that. It's very easy to see the problems when they're presented to you all at once in a Reddit post, but when things happen day to day, it's a lot harder to realise how issues are building up. But he's working hard, like we both are, to try to make our family the happiest it can be.
We both know we still have to keep working at this. I'm still in therapy and we're still having family therapy. But I'm grateful to work at it. I'm grateful to have all my children.
It's very hard for me to write this, to think about the way things were before I started therapy. It makes me cry every time I think about it. But I want to thank you, Reddit. I wrote my original post just looking for validation for my own point of view, and I never thought the internet could change my life this way. But it has. I feel like for the first time, we're truly a family."
Credits: tafornoweg
It’s important for stepparents to make an effort to treat all of their children equally
Image credits: levinajuli / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
According to the Pew Research Center, about 16% of kids in the United States live in blended families today. And 63% of women in the U.S. who have remarried found themselves with stepchildren. But despite how common second marriages and blended families are, they can still create incredibly complicated dynamics.
The kids might not be thrilled to share their lives with new siblings, and the newlyweds might practice conflicting parenting styles. It can take a long time for families to adjust to their new living arrangements and relationships. And jealousy can arise in kids who feel like their parents have been taken away from them or spouses who feel like all of their attention has to go towards the children.
And, of course, it can be difficult for the parents to treat their biological and stepchildren equally. The Center for Family Unity notes on their site that there’s often a risk of favoritism in blended families. In fact, it’s common for stepparents to have similar feelings to the mother in this story, as it’s not always easy to bond with kids who aren’t related to you by blood.
But it’s important for parents to make an effort to provide them with just as much love and respect as they give their own children. Favoritism can create sibling rivalries or take a toll on a kid’s self-esteem. Blended Family Frappe also shares on their site that stepparenting with double standards can be dangerous. But that doesn’t mean that you have to interact with every child in the exact same way.
They explain that a child’s personality will dictate what the best method for parenting them will be. That doesn’t mean that anyone gets special treatment, but you have to figure out how to get through to each child. And you can’t do that without knowing them well and understanding them, something stepparents must strive to do.
Bonding with stepchildren takes time, but it’s worth it to have a happy family
So how can stepmothers and fathers work to build bonds with their stepchildren? Care.com recommends first trying to become friends with your stepchild. First, you just want to make sure that the child likes you as a person; there’s no reason to act like their parent immediately. Show them that you’re fun to be around and that you two can enjoy time together, even if they don’t view you as a mother or father figure just yet.
It’s also smart to give the child some space. Make it clear that you’re not trying to disrupt their life or steal their parent away from them; you just want to slowly make your way into their life too. And one great way to do this is to show interest in things they love. Ask about their hobbies, take them bowling or listen to the music they make. Show that you care about what they care about.
HelpGuide also recommends using routines and rituals to bond with stepchildren. Perhaps that means making pizza every Sunday evening or taking the whole family out to play mini golf once a month. Anything that you’ll all enjoy and look forward to can be a great way to make memories and ensure that you all spend time together as a family.
And as for things stepparents should avoid doing, Parents.com warns that it’s best never to try taking the other parent’s place, physically punish stepchildren, assume a position of authority, interfere with co-parenting decisions or conflicts between the child and their parent, go against the other parent’s wishes, pressure their spouse to put them before their children or play favorites.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation below, pandas. Do you think the mother responded well to the feedback she received online? Feel free to weigh in, and then you can check out another Bored Panda article discussing stepparenting drama!
Readers continued to share their reactions and support for the mother
