Man Confused Why His Wife Refuses To Provide Childcare For His Ex-Wife’s 9 Kids

Having your partner’s ex around seems generally not an ideal arrangement, but it’s sometimes necessary when there are shared kids. But some folks, as it turns out, don’t have the slightest idea where normal, acceptable boundaries should stand.

A woman asked the internet if she was wrong to refuse her husband’s ex-wife’s demands that she babysit her kids. We got in touch with licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Maritza Mikolich, PsyD, and licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical art therapist, relationship therapist, and founder of Solstice Therapy, Rachel Del Dosso, who kindly agreed to share her thoughts on this conundrum.

Both licensed marriage and family therapists, Dr. Maritza Mikolich, PsyD, and Rachel Del Dosso, agree that treating stepmothers as babysitters in blended families is extremely unfair. "This is dehumanizing and is viewing them for what they are able to provide without taking into consideration their actual role or their feelings and needs. Being a stepmother is challenging enough, but if they are also belittled by other grown-ups in the system it will be even more difficult," says Del Dosso.

According to Mikolich, extended family members aren't automatically responsible for taking care of children. "When parents create their own children, they are primarily responsible for the childcare and if they seek external support, then there should be a respectful conversation around babysitting needs and family members have the right to say no."

Similarly, parents shouldn't expect that babysitting is a given role of the extended family member. "They must consider the complications of involving stepmothers in babysitting needs as it creates a different co-parenting relationship and can complicate things when it comes to having their own opinions and beliefs around childrearing. If parents do decide to involve stepmothers or other family members, healthy boundaries and honest communication need to be maintained."

What might help stepmothers draw these boundaries is trying to prioritize their own feelings and needs when possible, says Del Dosso. "For example, if the bio mom continues to ask for the stepmom to watch the kids on custodial days where the mom is responsible for taking care of them, the stepmom can decline and say she is “busy.” Busy doing yoga, spending time with friends, her partner, etc. doesn’t matter. The mom can get a babysitter! The responsibility for childcare does not solely fall on the stepmom. She has a life, too."

Mikolich adds that stepmothers need to be very honest with themselves and thoroughly think through if it's something they want to commit to. Then they can draw boundaries by establishing respectful and open communication with the biological mother.

"It is always okay to just say no without any explanation," she says. "The biological mother's response or reaction would be very telling of whether or not they are respecting the stepmother's own wants and needs. When two people can openly communicate, then there is trust and willingness for both parties involved to explain why or their willingness to accommodate or compromise on childcare."

Mikolich explains that setting boundaries means being respectful to one another, listening to each other, and not pushing or guilting a person into doing something they don't want.

In case the partner's ex-wife takes advantage of the current one, it's important that they stand with the current significant other and honor their boundaries and limits, says Del Dosso.

"If their current partner isn’t comfortable with certain things, it would even be supportive for them to tell the ex-partner the boundaries and limits, as they may have a closer relationship and are responsible for co-parenting with the ex-partner. I would also say it is ultimately up to the stepmom to decide what she is okay with doing and how she is willing to allow herself to be treated and to set boundaries accordingly," she concludes.