Boundaries are essential in every relationship. They indicate what is and isn’t appropriate in people’s interactions. However, due to a lack of awareness, self-centered behavior, or unclear communication, some individuals may feel like they can test or violate them.
Like this woman, who constantly barged in unannounced with her kids to her brother’s house. Even though his girlfriend tried re-establishing their boundaries a few times, the family didn’t care, which made her take more extreme measures.
Boundaries are there to establish what is and isn't okay in a relationship
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Unfortunately, this woman violated every limit her SIL tried to set, which resulted in the couple breaking up
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“Boundaries let others know how they should treat us and how far they can go"
When a person ignores a negative response from others, does the opposite of what they were asked, or mocks the requests they receive, they're violating boundaries. Knowing when someone trespasses on other people’s limits is important to maintaining healthy relationships.
“Boundaries let others know how they should treat us and how far they can go," says clinical and educational psychologist, Aura De Los Santos. "They are a form of security we have against what we do not want in our life. Boundaries protect us from situations we don't want to be in and provide us with well-being and satisfaction,” she says.
In any relationship, boundaries might be disrespected because they weren’t communicated clearly or confidently enough. Any hesitation or confusion can invite others to violate them. People might also be more likely to test the limits if they aren’t reinforced every time they’re disrespected. In case they don’t suffer any consequences for their disrespectful behavior, it can motivate them to do it next time too. It’s also possible that the person who violates boundaries lacks self-awareness and how it affects others.
With a more particular example, like the in-laws, it could be that the partner’s family members overstep boundaries because they see it as a way to maintain control over their family dynamics or decisions, as change in family structure or roles can be frightening.
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When establishing boundaries with in-laws, the partner’s support is very important
When establishing or re-establishing boundaries with in-laws, the partner’s support is very important. It’s even better if the couple creates limits together, which allows them to grow and become one unit rather than being separated.
A starting point should be to address the issue that is bothering the couple. Then discuss it together. The partner whose family is perhaps a bit too controlling or intrusive still sees them as an important part of their life, so it’s important to talk openly about these issues before bringing them to the in-laws.
Then, if the couple agrees that there’s a boundary that needs to be established, they should talk about it with the family. The in-laws may find it hard to understand the reason they’re feeling that way so it’s important to explain why they think their behaviors have a negative impact on their lives. After they communicate this sensibly, they should be clear and firm about the limits they want to set and add potential consequences if they’re violated.
In case this isn’t helpful, other alternative boundaries might be established, like limiting how much time is spent together or avoiding talking about certain topics.
At times, setting boundaries might feel like an uphill battle, but don’t lose your patience. “If you plan to have a long-term relationship, play the long game,” says Erin Rayburn, a couples therapist and founder of Evergreen Therapy. “Try to make incremental changes and be gracious to your partner's family. It's important to remember that regardless of how you feel, they are your loved one's family and you need to keep that in mind for the good of your relationship with your partner.”
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The author provided more details in the comments
Most readers justified the original poster's behavior
While others thought that she was a jerk for staying with the guy for so long
Later, the woman posted an update
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Image credits: Michal Balog / unsplash (not the actual photo)
