Let’s be real: great relationships are all about balance. Whether it’s a friendship or a marriage, nobody wants to be the only one putting in all the effort. That just leads to resentment and, in a lot of cases, the end of the whole shebang.
One woman’s husband accused her of cheating after she started dialing back her affection and loving gestures because he wasn’t putting in any work. Now, considering they might be done, she’s turned to an online community to let off some steam.
More info: Reddit
When it comes to a healthy marriage, it takes two to tango, or the whole thing could fall apart before you can say "divorce"
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
One woman, who always went out of her way to keep the spark of her marriage alive, slowly realized she was the only one putting in any effort
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When she brought it up with her husband, he told her she was being dramatic and tried to brush the whole thing off
Image credits: y_seleznev / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman responded by disappearing into new hobbies, strengthening her other relationships, and working on her own mental and physical wellbeing
Image credits: throw__yourboat
That’s when her husband accused her of cheating, so she turned to netizens to share her deep frustration, confessing it might be the end of the marriage
After twenty years together and two kids, the original poster (OP) realized she’d been single-handedly carrying her marriage while her husband just coasted. She planned dates, encouraged healthy habits, and poured love into every corner of their life, while he shrugged off every effort with a lazy, “That’s not my thing,”.
After a huge blow-up, she decided to match his effort... meaning none. Instead of begging for connection, she spent that energy on herself. New hobbies, stronger friendships, better mental and physical health. Meanwhile, the couple's intimacy faded to zero, which she just assumed was mutual exhaustion.
His birthday exposed the truth, though. OP kept things simple, matching his minimalist energy, but he threw a tantrum when no special surprise materialized. Then came the wild accusation: she must be cheating. Suddenly her self-care and quiet independence were “proof.” He even snooped through her underwear and adult toys, looking for imaginary clues, while ignoring every need she’d actually expressed.
Now she’s furious, not only at the invasion of her privacy, but because her husband proved he can pay attention, just only when it’s negative. After years of dismissing her needs, he panicked the moment she stopped over-giving and finally admitted she wasn’t cheating, but the damage was done. For her, she tells netizens, this might be the end.
Image credits: wavebreakmedia_micro / Freepik (not the actual photo)
To be honest, who can blame OP for throttling back on her affection and attention? After all, there’s only so much one woman can give, and her husband clearly wasn’t picking up what she was putting down. Why do marriages slump, though? And how can couples avoid falling into the same trap OP did? We went looking for clues.
According to the pros over at Marriage, reasons why marriages fail after 20 years include there just not being any love anymore, infidelity, a desire for freedom, unresolved past issues, a lack of communication, wanting more out of life, lost identity and equality, financial issues, unrealistic expectations, and an absence of mutual growth.
So, how can married couples keep the spark alive? Tasha Selter (Ph.D.) from Psychology Today writes that, once the novelty has worn off and you’re out of the honeymoon phase, you can get used to your partner’s presence and start taking them for granted. It takes intention, energy, and work to keep the flame of love burning.
Selter suggests a few ways to keep your marriage from ending up in the doldrums, like responding to "Bids for Connection" (no matter how small,) treating your partner as if they are the center of your world (hello active listening,) and getting curious to learn something new about your spouse as your marriage, and they, evolve.
Nobody can say OP didn’t do her absolute best to fan the flames of her marriage, all to no avail. Let’s hope her husband gets the reality check he so badly needs and starts putting in the work. If he doesn’t, he could lose a wife he really doesn’t deserve.
What’s your take? Should OP walk away, or leave the door open and give her hopeless hubby a shot at saving their marriage? Drop your thoughts in the comments!
In the comments, readers suggested the woman ask her husband how long he’s been cheating on her since, based on his logic, his lack of effort means he obviously must be
