Many people have at least some relationship baggage—it’s natural if you’ve ever broken up with someone. That being said, finding out that the love of your life is staying in touch with their former partner can feel quite uncomfortable. In some cases, the situation gets even more confusing if your spouse co-parents with their ex. There’s a need to balance the needs of that child with your needs as a partner.
Redditor u/Iamyoursugarplum, who is stuck in the middle of an emotionally charged situation at home, turned to the internet for some impartial advice. She explained how her husband’s ex, along with their child, is trying to move into the married couple’s guest room. It’s something the author is incredibly uncomfortable with, and yet, her boundaries are getting ignored.
Scroll down to read about what happened and the advice the net gave the concerned woman. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
It can be very tough to navigate situations if your partner stays in touch with their ex and has a child from their previous relationship
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual image)
A woman shared how she tried to enforce her boundaries after her husband suggested that his ex and their child move in with them for a while
Image credits: stevanovicigor (not the actual image)
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual image)
Image credits: Iamyoursugarplum
Co-parenting with your ex requires a change in priorities and changing your relationship with them
According to HelpGuide, a big part of making co-parenting work is to separate the personal relationship with your ex-partner from your co-parenting relationship. The latter is a relationship with a sole focus: doing what’s best for your child. They’re the priority, not either of the parents.
HelpGuide suggests using a business-like tone when communicating with your ex, as though you were actually business partners with the goal of improving your child’s well-being. In other words, you’re expected to be respectful, cordial, and neutral.
Don’t make demands. Instead, make requests. Meanwhile, your conversations should focus mainly on your child, not what you or your ex need as individuals.
Of course, there’s still the matter of getting on the same page about what your child’s needs actually are. Helping them out with housing when they’re in a tough spot is an obvious choice. What exactly you choose to do to help them out is where the issue lies.
It’s natural to want to help others. Human beings are hard-wired for empathy. And it makes sense that you’d want to lend a helping hand to the people (who used to be) close to you. After all, even if you’re divorced, you probably still love your child. And even if you’ve parted ways with your ex, at some point, you did care about them, deeply.
While all of that is very well and good, context is very important, too. If you ignore your current spouse’s thoughts and feelings about everything, if you don’t ask them for their opinion, you’re going to push them away. This is going to lead to a lot of tension. Meanwhile, there’s bound to be friction between your current and former partners if they live in the same home.
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual image)
Altruism is wonderful. However, helping the people you care about doesn't need to end with hurting others
So, by helping one group of people, you’re effectively sabotaging your current relationship. The manner in which you offer your help really does matter here! The author of the viral story brought up a very good point. She offered to financially support her husband’s ex and their child if they’d get a rental home or temporarily stay at a hotel.
This is a great solution because it’s a mature, well-meaning compromise. The author’s boundaries would be respected. She and her husband would have their home to themselves. Meanwhile, they’d still offer some direct, practical help to the mom and daughter in need. Everyone should—in theory!—be satisfied with this.
Alas! The woman’s husband and his ex appear to be using their daughter to emotionally blackmail the author into being ‘fine’ with them moving into the guest room. The reality is that you can’t browbeat someone into being comfortable with a situation that deeply upsets them. It’s frustrating if your home no longer feels like yours.
Furthermore, it’s completely within the realm of possibility to spend more time co-parenting your child without literally having your ex live at home with you. Even if there are no romantic feelings left there, it’s still an emotionally messy, confusing situation.
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual image)
The more clarity there is, the more everyone is on the same page, the less friction there's bound to be
Not to mention that there’s a further question to consider: how long would a ‘temporary’ stay actually be? Does ‘a couple months’ mean exactly two calendar months from the moment the ex would move into the guest room? Or is it an arbitrary amount of time that everyone interprets slightly differently? The former is transparent. The latter is going to lead to even more friction.
The more clarity there is here, the better for everyone. And let’s not ignore the fact that suddenly being forced to live around a lot of new people can be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. Being a host for a couple of months (or more) is no easy feat.
You have to consider how that’s going to affect you from a practical perspective. For example, you’ll be buying more food and cooking more. Are the guests going to chip in for the groceries? If so, how much?
Are your guests going to be pitching in with the housework? Will they be paying for part of the rent or utilities? How are you going to handle any disagreements about who gets to use the shower first in the morning, etc.? There are a lot of very mundane but fundamentally important questions that need to be answered first.
What would you do if you were in the author’s shoes, dear Pandas? Do you think that she’s right to fight to protect her boundaries? Do you think it’s possible to make everyone feel comfortable? Have you ever lived with your new partner and ex in the same place? Let us know what you think in the comments.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
Most readers wanted to stand up for the author of the post. Here's their perspective and the advice they offered her
A few internet users saw things very differently. Here's how they interpreted the family drama
