Not all marriages end in happily ever after. Some end in divorce and others might end when one partner passes away. Remarriage after the loss of a spouse is not that surprising: 60% of men remarry in the two years after becoming widowers. The hardest part isn't finding a new spouse, but rather keeping the deceased spouse's memory in a way that respects the new one.
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The dilemma this new family faced involved semantics. This woman got mad at her husband for referring to his late wife as his "wife" and not "ex-wife." She worried that it was a sign of him not committing fully. So she decided to check with the Internet: was she a jerk for asking her husband to call his deceased wife his "ex-wife"?
Bored Panda sought the expertise of Iris Arenson-Fuller, a Certified, Credentialed Professional Coach. She has many years of experience working with grieving people, and kindly agreed to lend us her expertise. You will find her insights about how best to address a late spouse and how to deal with grief after remarrying below!
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Remarrying after losing a spouse comes with many different challenges
Image credits: Photos by Lanty / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
One of them might be about how to refer to your late wife, now that you have a new one
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: lillyofthewaterfalls
A grief and life redesign specialist says that calling a deceased spouse "my wife" can hurt the new spouse
Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC, has both personal and professional experience in loss and grief. She's been working as a women's confidence coach for 15 years, and before that, she worked with families for 30 years. As a widow who's successfully remarried now, she can empathize with her clients on a personal level.
Regarding this story, Arenson-Fuller claims that it's important to consider your new spouse's feelings when calling your late wife ‘my wife’. "It is definitely ill-advised and quite insensitive to refer to a deceased spouse as 'my husband or my wife' after a remarriage. It would be extremely hurtful to most current spouses," the coach explains.
"It is important for those who commit to a new partnership to understand that each person has a history that has to be honored and respected. Open communication is of the utmost importance. The past cannot take center stage, but cannot and should not be erased."
"The past relationships, troubles, and challenges a new spouse has lived through make him/her/them the person they are in the present. The past has contributed enormously to the strengths, vulnerabilities and beauty of the person you fell in love with and are now married to."
"Allowing yourself to feel the depth of loss and grief, regardless of a remarriage, is an important way of caring for yourself and advocating for yourself, for sure," Arenson-Fuller tells Bored Panda.
"My husband, Art, listens to stories and anecdotes about Kim, my first love and father to three of my adult kids," the coach gives a personal example. "He has never made me feel uncomfortable about sharing, just as I am interested in and want to know about his past."
"It's important to support a spouse in expressing and sharing, rather than expecting that a second wife or husband repress important memories or feelings. That can be very destructive to [the] emotional health of the individual and to the marriage."
Arenson-Fuller recommends not comparing the new spouse to the old. Also, don't bring up memories as ammunition in a disagreement, she says. "Don't share any details about your sex life with your deceased spouse," she adds. "If the past becomes an obsession or is a constant topic, it's time to seek some counseling or coaching."
Widower relationship expert says the new spouse has no obligation to uphold the deceased spouse's memory
Relationship coach and the expert on dating and marrying a widower Abel Keogh says that calling his late spouse "my wife" implies that he’s still married to the deceased person. "If a widower is going to mention their deceased spouse, they should use that person's first name or they should say 'late wife' to clarify that they're talking about a deceased individual," he explains.
"Using the term 'my wife' in conversation often causes confusion and resentment," he notes. "If the widower is with his new girlfriend and begins using the term 'my wife,' those he's talking to might think he's talking about the girlfriend instead of his deceased spouse."
"I've had many clients tell me how awkward or embarrassed they feel when the widower uses the term 'my wife' and [confusion] follows." Keogh explains that hearing their boyfriend or new husband refer to their late spouse as "my wife" makes women feel like they're in a relationship with a married man.
"The new spouse has NO obligation to uphold the memory of the late wife," he emphasizes. "They can do so if they choose, but upholding a memory of the late wife usually makes the living wife feel like second best."
"The best thing a widower can do is let his new spouse know how he would like to acknowledge certain days (such as her date of death or their wedding anniversary) and give him the space to remember that day. However, there should [be] a point where the widower no longer needs to acknowledge those days and instead focuses his time and attention on his living wife and his new life."
Image credits: Bailey Anselme / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Dating a widower comes with challenges women won't encounter elsewhere
Being in a relationship with a widower doesn't really compare to any other usual relationship problems. That's why Keogh has two pieces of advice for women who are either dating or married to a widower.
Firstly, they should expect the boyfriend/husband to act like a single or a divorced man. "Too many women feel sympathy for the widower and let him get away with bad behavior that they wouldn't tolerate from other men they date."
"Though it's tragic that his wife died, this doesn't excuse him [from] making comparisons with his new love and his late wife, not introducing you to family and friends, refusing to take down photos and shrines to the late wife, or always talking about her. He should be proud of you and the relationship and make you number one in his heart and mind."
Secondly, women should speak up about the things they don't like. "Many women don't know how to raise or discuss widower-related issues, but if you keep quiet, the widower will assume that his actions or words don't bother [you]."
"If the photos of the late wife bother you, say something! If he talks too much about the late wife, speak up! If he makes you feel like you're competing with a ghost, tell him! What you permit, you promote. There's nothing wrong with letting him know that his actions show he's not ready to open his heart," Keogh adds.
The author later updated her post, saying that she and her husband are getting on the same page
Some people thought the new wife's behavior was somewhat inappropriate
Others were more understanding about the confusing situation
