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“Lately, I’ve noticed how often body comments creep into everyday spaces — places that should feel safe, supportive, even sacred,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Castile. “Sometimes it’s framed as a compliment, sometimes it’s just an offhand remark. Either way, it leaves me (and so many others) cringing inside”
When someone comments on a woman’s body — whether it’s “You look great!” or “Wow, you’ve lost weight!” — it might sound harmless. Some even think they’re offering a compliment. But according to Castile, that’s not okay because they do not know that particular woman’s life story.
“That weight loss you’re praising might be grief, illness, or stress,” she points out. “[And] that ‘healthy glow’ might be exhaustion.”
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Never been self conscious of my stretch marks ever again.
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Anyway, I was at a local strip mall and this young adult woman with gorgeous dark, even skin and hair stopped me to tell me I have a lovely peaches and cream complexion. Out of nowhere. After that, anytime my head got dark about looking wrong her voice followed and kept me from being too sure I was all bad.
Her and all the old ladies who stopped me to tell me how pretty my hair was over the years kept me from hating myself completely for a long time.
Whatever the intention, such remarks also keep the spotlight on looks. “Our culture already tells us our worth is tied to our bodies. Each comment reinforces that old, unhelpful story,” the therapist adds.
“It can be triggering. For people who’ve struggled with disordered eating, trauma, or perfectionism, body comments can hit like a punch in the gut.”
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"I love all your curves" - my husband.
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I had laughter cramps and married him a few years later 1) because he made me laugh a lot and 2) he would be faithful, no romance.
We got 42 great years together.
These unsolicited comments illustrate a broader problem. According to a new survey of 2,000 women, more than one-third of them (35%) feel like they’ve been held back in life, simply because they’re a woman.
(Perhaps due to their willingness to try different things, which is true for 50% of Gen Z much more than any other age group.)
These women find that their ideas are more likely to be dismissed (45%) or that some things are considered “unsafe” for them (36%).
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I looked her in the eye for a minute, just to make it awkward.
Then answered ‘genetics’. With tone.
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An Italian couple walked past me, and I overheard the woman say, “Che bella figura.” ☺️.
Other reasons why women feel held back include not being taken as seriously as men (35%), being paid less than their male colleagues (35%), or being underestimated by their peers (32%).
One-third of Gen Z have said that they receive fewer responses to applications than their male counterparts, or that they’re unable to get their health concerns addressed quickly and accurately.
Almost one-quarter of millennial women (24%) said they felt held back because they were expected to be parents, and 22% were expected to be stay-at-home parents, which meant giving up their career, just because of their gender.
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My brother then said that my dad had told him that he found it really hard that I was chubby.
So my body was so unacceptable to my own father that it kept us from having a meaningful relationship.
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However, younger women believe that change is not only possible, but on the horizon.
Almost three in five Gen Z think it’s likely that pay gaps (58%), health care gaps (58%), and leadership gaps (57%) will end before their time comes.
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apparently they'd approached my parents already and they said no.
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And if you want to connect, encourage, or compliment someone, Castile recommends shifting the focus away from bodies and trying something along the lines of:
- “I love how dedicated you are to your practice.”
- “Your energy in class is inspiring.”
- “You bring such kindness into this space.”
The key, according to the therapist, is to affirm who the person is rather than what they look like.
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My ex husband told me that my eyes did nothing for him when I tried a new mascara. He also had a girlfriend while we were married and I found messages where they talked about how ugly I was.