When people used to ask me, a serving police officer, how I was feeling, “OK” became an easy phrase to use. It didn’t show how much I was hiding.
I have worked for Essex police for more than 30 years. After 20 years of service, in 2013 my mental health started to decline. There were no big warning signs, no alarms, no sirens, just the start of a really difficult period of my life.
As a police officer, you see tough things. I started to have flashbacks to certain incidents I had encountered. I would feel sick as some memories flooded back. At other times I would feel an overwhelming sense of despair, feeling that life was just not worth it.
In January 2014 I started to drink, a little too much most days. My behaviour at work became more erratic and on several occasions I was spoken to by supervisors. I wanted to tell them how I felt but I couldn’t find the words. I gave little clues but these were not picked up on. When anyone asked me if anything was wrong, I’d always respond that I was OK.
Mentally, I crashed in April 2014. I spent a week-and-a-half unable to move, not washing, shaving or dressing, just staying in bed. I finally saw a doctor. I’d been off work nearly a week and my wife encouraged me to go.
This wasn’t the end of the problems – I still live with stress, depression and symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. But at the moment, I’m managing; I’m working. I’m open about my mental health now and that has changed a lot. Being in the police force can mean you encounter some difficult things. This condition is not because we are weak; thoughts of suicide are not a sign that you are a coward. This condition is one suffered by the strong.
I have been involved with Mind’s Blue Light programme from the beginning. Mind’s research shows that nearly two-thirds (63%) of emergency service staff and volunteers have contemplated leaving their job or voluntary role because of stress or poor mental health.
Once you speak, people will listen, but you have to tell them.
Alan Phillips is a detective constable in Essex police. Mind has just run a Blue Light Infoline awareness week.
An extract from an article run by 'The Guardian' Newspaper Voluntary Sector (5.11.2016)